Overwhelmed and Underwater

I didn’t realize how bad at adulting, organizing and cleaning I was until I had a baby. I’m seriously wondering if I have ADD or ADHD. For the past decade, maybe two I think I’ve just been high functioning with serious depression. Maybe that’s it and adding the stress of taking care of an infant with no family support - just cracked open all the inadequacies I had with just daily living. I always wondered why I seem to never really achieve anything (apart from fitness and achieving my dream body from age 30-34.) I had a separation, moved states, changed jobs, had crazy hours and I lost my dream physique but, in general, I couldn’t seem to achieve any of my job/career dreams. I was always treading water and in survival mode in that abusive relationship but once I left him I seemed to hit my stride for a few years. I was happy for the first time in my adult and adolescent years. I was happy to be away from my terrorist abusive ex. I was in a new relationship. However, only 3 years later, after I seem to keep taking hit after hit and it all colliding with 2020 Covid- I sunk into a deep depression. I no longer had my dream body. I became overweight by 10-15 lbs and kept losing and gaining that weight for the next 3 years. I abandoned a career path that I thought was what I should do although I knew it wasn’t what I wanted. I tried very hard but in the end it wasn’t meant to be. I was forced to be honest with myself and pursue what I truly wanted. And while that might sound really good on the outside - it’s terrifying. It’s terrifying because I had been dodging my dreams since I was 22 years old. As usual I had some bad experiences and an abusive partner who discouraged me to pursue my dreams of an artistic career. I gave it all up because I never believed in myself anyways . Then the professional degree I wanted to pursue- I was told by several people to NOT pursue it. I felt lost and discouraged. By then I was isolated by my abuser and the years flew by. I tried to write but never had to energy, ability, focus, self esteem to finish anything. I wish I had taken a different path after college. I wish I would have moved to Chicago with my best friend and even if I had failed I would have least been able to say I tried. Perhaps it would have led me down a truer alternative path. Analysis paralysis and freeze mode (from the abuse) kept me stuck in the wrong place for a decade. But I didn’t start finding my way back as soon as I got back home either. I am still healing and growing . As I said before - peeling back the layers of abuse. It’s been hard. Having a baby has been such a steep challenge for me. Motherhood has been revealing so many issues that I can work on - to become who I truly want to be. The best most evolved version of myself. I thank my son for that - because of him I am starting to feel more and more invincible. Like my friend just said to me - “Don’t you know you’re a woman - you can do anything ! “ Although I feel weak now and times are so hard for me, I know when I make it through this dark tunnel - I will be even stronger. I will love myself more and be so proud of all I have overcome. I hope one day I will inspire my son - that he will look up to me and know he is strong and brave and invincible too.

Jour Quatorze.