Dream life ….Peut-Etre Bebe

I realized a few days ago that I really am living part of my dream life right now. Even though the days are so difficult I am so blessed and overjoyed that I don’t have to work. My dream was to be a SAHM while my children were under school age. I didn’t want to put them in childcare. Being a mother is so much harder than I thought it would be and not having an income sucks. However, it’s so amazing to watch my baby grow everyday and being to love him and hold him. I still adore the snuggly breastfeeding moments, especially at nighttime. He’s not a very snuggly baby in general so I’m so happy when he’s sleepy and let’s me snuggle with him. I’m so blessed that I have some time to formulate a plan to bring in some income. I had an epiphany on something I can do which should require minimal input for me. I’m hoping to get some headway on this and have it up and running by June 2025. I’m going to try to create another vision board since I have some new goals that I’ve been mulling over lately. I want to see if a mood board gets some more energy in this ideas that I’m stirring up. I have time. I have love. I have my baby. I have safety, food and shelter. I have so many ways to explore building an income and career for myself while my baby is little. Everything takes at least twice as long but I’m making my way slowly and steadily. In love and blessings. In dreamy snuggles.

Maybe this is your dream life too…right now, if you look at things the right way. Just because not everything you want is happening all at once - doesn’t mean things are going bad or you are failing. Yes, one day it will all perfectly align and feel like spiritual magical bliss. But take your wins where and how you can. You may find that the bits of your dream life start to pile up and overflow. Maybe it’s a bit like picking berries in an orchard for some of us. One day you might look down and see you’re overflowing with realized dreams and promises.

Bisous mes Cheris.

XOXO

Beauty in Everything

Sometimes it’s hard to find the beauty in everything but that’s what I really want to do. I have to tell myself to be in better spirits. To make a very big effort to be positive. These are the magical days and moments of having children. I truly believe it’s a blessing but sleep deprivation and constant crying and can really get me in a funk mood wise. I’m also trying not to beat myself up about having a few bad days. I have no one really to vent to. No one to understand. I have to be allowed to lose my patience, to make mistakes. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad mother or love him any less. Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath. Everything can be beautiful. Even the sad or stressful moments. They can return to the beautiful way. My words will be beautiful. My thoughts will be beautiful. In beauty, may I walk. Once again.

It feels like Winter already / L’ hiver deja

It feels too cold too soon. It feel like Winter now. The days have been hard. The baby cried for what seemed like 2 hours straight last night - while being held and/or nursed. And a hour before that screaming anytime I put him down. Rubbing and scratching his face and hitting himself. He’s so clingy and so miserable and hell bent on touching anything that is dangerous, dirty etc. You might say well just get all of that stuff out of the house but that would mean getting rid of the pets completely. Which I could probably do - I’m pretty heartless in that way but I have a partner who bought and invested in these animals so that’s not fair to him. Last night the baby only stopped screaming when I finally relented and let him get up and play. We petted the dog for a while and it made us both feel better.

Other people would say you should let your baby cry it out but he does quite a lot of self harming and I’m not okay with that. I constantly have to try to hold his arms down to protect him from himself when he gets too upset. It’s day 348 and once again having a baby has been nothing like I expected. I really can’t get much of anything done at all. Things about me or my interests are at an almost complete standstill. The baby is very slowly getting better but it’s still exhausting and barely manageable for one person. As soon as one thing gets better, something else old or new gets more difficult. His health is in a good place and so is his weight. I’m still breastfeeding. He mostly gets enough sleep (12-14 hours a day is the range for his age). The app I use tells me sleeps an average of 12 hours and twenty minutes. So I guess everything is going well. I’m dreading the idea that I’m going to have to start weening soon. He’s so unbelievably difficult . It doesn’t mean he’s not beautiful, adorable, sweet and amazing but he’s very very attached and very very stubborn. I’m predicting weening will be a nightmare for me and him. I’ll probably give up like sleep training . We’ll see.

Mild Depression/ Melancholy

I’ve been feeling kind of down lately. The weather has changed to cold. This morning I think it was 35 degrees. I haven’t been taking my mid morning walks with the baby. He’s still teething something fierce. He’s extra fussy and clingy. I’ve been baking and eating a lot of cookies in response. My emotional eating is continuing to flare up but I am maintaining my weight. Thankfully. I suppose due to breastfeeding and chasing the baby down all day. I’m still at 129 lbs. My goal is 121 lbs. I think any lower in weight will look bad on me but I’ll reassess when I get there. At this point, because of the terrible teething - maintaining weight is still winning in my book. I am going to make sure I don’t go over 130 lbs. I feel generally irritated, exhausted, and mildly sad. I’ve been watching travel vlogs for days. I don’t know if this is good or bad. I’ve also been working on a course I want to develop and watching videos on photography, an old interest of mine. I tried to take some photos but the baby just seems to hysterically cry if I’m holding the camera and not him.

Patience

I’m praying for patience today. Things have been rough. The baby is teething so he’s being extra fussy. I’ve lost my patience a few times today and having a harsh tone with my son. I hate when I do that. My head is spinning sometimes and it’s so hard to feed myself, drink enough water, take my vitamins, bathe, even use the restroom. Sometimes everything is so difficult and I am so overwhelmed. I have so much trouble asking for help. It’s so hard. I don’t know why I feel like I can’t ask for help. It’s a horrible family trait I have. Hyper independence. I’m sure it’s because when you deal with narcissists for so long - they truly punish you for needing help and for having needs at all. I wish that I knew more people that wanted to genuinely help others. To be there for others in their highs and lows. Most people are such fair weather people. They only like you when you’re up or you can do something for them. Be wary of men that like independent women or low maintenance or super “strong” women. I feel it’s code for saying I don’t like to be bothered with your problems. I want / need someone who can figure it out themselves versus a man that has a service mentality. Men that want to / need to help you - people that are so together than they want to help you solve your problems because they have their lives and themselves in a great place. I feel like I always attract emotionally overcharged or damaged people - probably because of my past. Recently I feel like I am shifting out of a victim mentality into something else. I’m also setting more boundaries for relationships in my life. I recently got reacquainted with an old highschool friend. She seems like her life is much more balanced and she’s in a healthier place than most of my past friends. I think this is no coincidence and the Universe is showing me that I am changing and ready for something different in my life now. Hopefully this will be the beginning of a true, healthy and mutually beneficial friendship and open the doors to more.

To Be Honest…

Sometimes lately I think I should abandon this project and it’s been less than 2 months. That sounds just like me. Hopefully just like my old self. The baby is 11 months and I still have so many days, the majority of my days are so overwhelming. My ears are ringing and my head is spinning from the constant crying and whining. Yes, there are a multitude of sweet, adorable and beautiful moments that I wouldn’t give up for the world. But there are many many moments with whining and crying and refusing to be set down, co-sleeping every night, every nap is a nap-trap, crying because he’s in constant teething pain, refusing to sit or eat in the high chair, crying hysterically for a nursing session when he just nursed 30 minutes ago, crying because I have to walk out of the room to do something, crying because I won’t let him do something dangerous or disgusting, and the list goes on and on. Crying on and on. It’s exhausting and overstimulating. After that I’m supposed to try to sit down and write with a baby in my lap? Not likely. I feel like I’ve been hit in the head with a club. This lack of help and family support is really really stressful. I want to curl up in a ball or scream but right now I mostly want to sleep - in a bed. Alone. Not worried about the baby for a few hours. I’m always worried about him. I’m stressing myself out but I’m also doing this with no help. So even though I am anxious- I’m rightfully so. It’s a hard job. Someone else watching him by themselves for 30 minute a day isn’t very much to get your head on straight - and it’s really not all by themselves because the baby still needs to see me. He adorably toddles off, explores but needs to turn around and check it I’m still there. If I’m looking at him, if I’m thinking of him - and I am. I always am. I love him so much. I always thinking of him but who’s thinking of me?

Nombre cinquante / # 50

Strange Behavior

I find myself holding onto nice items to save for when life is better. I spent my 20’s in such a horrible situation. I was always packed with a getting away suitcase full of things I couldn’t leave behind. Just hoping that one day I would run. Thankfully I did. I had to leave many many things behind but I saved a few things. Living this way cultivated some really negative thought patterns, feelings and actions around items. It ultimately fueled my shopping addiction- me trying to replace the things I lost and left behind. The things that were eventually destroyed in a fire. Even the items that I secretly shipped back home ended up being destroyed in my mother’s leaky water damaged basement. Almost everything I was so worried about losing or getting destroyed ended up being destroyed anyways either at the hand of my abuser or my bad luck. The things you fear - if you feed them - will grow into giants that will destroy you anyways. I have such an issue with anxiety. I thought I had it under control but motherhood has stirred it back up in me. I am praying that it is mostly hormonal since I am still breastfeeding. Once I ween my baby I hope to return to having some more control over my anxiety. Thankfully I was very calm during my pregnancy. More calm than I was before which was unexpected and a true blessing.

I am making many changes in my life. I am using this period of motherhood to reevaluate myself and my life. I want to have the best environment possible for my son and be in the best place mentally, emotionally, physically, financially etc. for him. I am no longer saving the “good stuff” for later - for when life is good aka when life is safe. Because life is good! I have an amazing life and I bet I would see that my life is so much closer to my dream life if I would walk each day knowing this. Life is good and I don’t have to wait to wear that dress or that jewelry, to use that handbag or make up or bust out the fine china. Today is as good of a day as any. Today is beautiful. Today is a celebration, a blessing, a gift. Life is good now and I’m not waiting until tomorrow to appreciate the awe and wonder that is all around me. I see the beauty before me. I see the beauty in me. I see my beautiful blessings and miracles in the smile of my son. Today is a good day. I’m holding nothing back.

Clutter and Superstition

I have found lately during my decluttering and organization journey that some of my hoarding is superstition based. I think that’s so strange and a concept worth exploring. The majority of my clutter is scarcity based. I have the fear of “losing everything”, being destitute and somehow needing these items to survive. I feel that having an extra of an item or really many multitudes of something will keep me safe from going without. It ultimately just clutters up my space and the over abundance makes it hard to organize. I think having too many items can backfire by energetically making you block incoming good or superior items because you don’t even have a place to keep it. Holding onto torn or old pieces that you wouldn’t display or wear is also like an albatross hanging on your neck. It blocks your good. I recently heard an influencer urging people to release anything that your dream self wouldn’t wear or keep in their house. I totally agree with this. I’m in the process of trying to release so many things. During this undertaking I have found myself oddly superstitious. For example - I have a large water container/ cup I got from the hospital when my son was born. The dog stole the straw and destroyed it and I no longer use the cup. My son is 11 months old. I tell myself I’m going to throw it away and then I never do. Somehow I think it’s bad luck like it will hurt my son. This is so ridiculous and kind of insane. I don’t know why I do this. It’s completely irrational but it makes me feel anxious to throw it away. I hope that I can start working through these feelings and faulty thought patterns. I really do want to live in a decluttered minimalist home. It’s important to me and my partner. I’ve been working very hard on this lately. I also know we may be moving in less than a year and I want to be organized to minimize the stress of moving especially since I have a little one and may also be pregnant during the next move. I just don’t want to be stressed out by my stuff anymore. I need to journal more about my feelings on this matter and try to delve into why I have such irrational and magical thinking surrounding the items that I own.

Routines & Systems

Just a few months ago I realized the only way I’m going to survive ( I won’t be so dramatic) I mean - thrive in motherhood is to develop routines and systems. This Sunday I implemented Sunday Soup day. To me Sunday is the first day of the week (although some people will argue it’s Monday because of the work-week. I believe it’s Sunday because of calendars, Sabbath and I think the first day of the week should be for your family or if you’re single: you.) I like to make a soup on Sunday for several reasons. I like to start the week off with a soup. A soup feeds many mouths and represents abundance and community to me. Hardiness, love and generosity. You can also add just about any vegetable to a soup so I like to use any of the unused vegetables from the week and throw it in the pot. I love a good soup with crusty French batard bread. (I don’t make the bread from scratch at this point. I still have an infant so that’s definitely not happening. Maybe one day.). Although it’s probably Francophile blasphemy to say I don’t like a baguette. However, here in the States I don’t think baguettes are very good. I’m sure in France they are amazing. I do think you can get a decent croissant here if you try but I feel like I’ve never had a good baguette. Perhaps I’m not trying hard enough to find one. The batard I get is from the regular local grocery store and bake it at home. It’s crusty on the outside and still chewy and soft on the inside. Soup is also great for lunch. I’m mostly a soup and salad person. Sandwiches are good but the way I make them they are kind of boring. I need to learn to elevate my sandwich game but there’s just something delicious and comforting about soup and bread. You can make a huge batch of soup and freeze it or eat it for 3 days. It gives me some confidence starting the week off this way. It’s worth a try if you are a soup lover!

Writing Productivity

I saw an interesting book a few days ago “100 Word Writing Habit: A Small Action with Big Results” by David Kadavy. I haven’t read it so I’m not sure if it’s worth the read but I think it’s an idea worth trying. Setting a small daily goal that is achievable in order to propel you into cultivating a daily practice. This seems right up my alley. In the past because of perfectionism and other issues - I have had such a problem with procrastination and being in “freeze mode”. I’m always scared to make the wrong decision, afraid of failure, afraid to devote myself and energy to the “wrong” thing so I just don’t do anything. It’s silly because I’m bound to fail either way then simply through inaction. My partner always says the only failure is doing nothing. If you devote yourself to something then eventually you will get better and probably even good at it. Doing nothing is the worst thing you could do. I don’t know how or why that has always been my instinct. I’m sure it has something to do with my father but at this point who cares. I’ve identified the issue and I’m working on it. That’s mostly what this blog is about: getting over the fear of failure, keeping active and creating something. Whether this blog is good or bad, completely invisible or eventually popular - it doesn’t matter. It’s not my place to judge that. It’s about creating and writing because that’s what I WANT to do. Being a writer is apart of my goals and dreams. A component of my dream life. I have to write to be a writer. I can’t just sit around and daydream about it. It doesn’t even matter if I am a good writer. I will get better eventually. It’s almost impossible to not get better.

My partner also recently shared a video with me of Sylvester Stallone talking about his writing process which has been inspiring. Stallone basically said you really just need to get your first draft down as quickly as possible when it comes to screenwriting. He said you are going to edit the draft anyways so don’t try to be a perfectionist about it. Completing the first draft in itself is an important part of the momentum and can motivate you to do more and give you confidence. I’ve had this problem for so long. I never complete the first draft because I’m trying to come up with the perfect idea or perfect dialogue. I ultimately get stuck and then switch to the next idea. It’s very defeating and strips me of any confidence I have built up. This is not what you want to do. Just complete the first draft then clean it up! I have a few things I need to apply this to. I need to stop overthinking everything and just write!

Impact

One thing I’ve always had trouble with is establishing what’s the most important or valuable thing to work on. I find myself working but never producing anything. I either never complete something or I spend hours working on an aspect that won’t produce results or progress, etc.  I don’t know why I do that.  Maybe I lack a big picture mindset.  Lately I’ve been writing down a list of my goals. Things I need/want to do and trying to identify what is the most important thing to work on in order to achieve this goal. What will make me feel more successful? What outcomes will make me feel like I am winning today, this month, this year? I need to almost reverse engineer by actions. This does not come natural to me. What actions will have the biggest impact with the least or minimal amount of time ? What actions will give me the most progress or work output? What activities or routines will put me closer to my dream life, my ideal vision of myself? This last one is important for me personally on a morale level.  I feel that I can get pessimistic very quickly.  I wrote down a list of things I want in my dream lifestyle and my dream version of myself.  I wrote another list underneath that of what I could do everyday that would get me closer to this reality and/or make me FEEL like I was living that life.  For example, my dream version of myself would have immaculate hair and get dressed up in a stylish way everyday (not over the top just stylish). Even though currently I don’t go very many places I thought to myself - if this is something that doesn’t take too much time out of my day - say it’s takes 20 minutes- wouldn’t it be worthwhile to do this just for my mental health and morale. This small action would infuse positivity into myself, my life, and my dreams. Self care to me is a reflection of self esteem.  For many years I did the bare minimum with my look. I know it wasn’t because I was busy or that beauty isn’t important - all of the excuses I made were just me lying to myself. it was because I have low self esteem. It’s because caring for myself has never been a priority. That makes me sad. I want to change this. I want to be in some part the person I envision. My highest self DOES care about what I look like and prioritizes self care and self love. This is not superficial. It is valuing your life and respecting yourself. I want to value and celebrate my life, to make each day special and exalted in some way.  Life is a treasure and a gift. I know that might seem silly to someone else. You might ask why does it matter if you are stylish or do your makeup and hair? But I believe if I imagine myself living the life I want to live and can feel it in my real life now - that it will get me even closer to the complete reality.   If it’s not too time consuming (less than 30 minutes a day ) then why not? For someone like me where pessimism and low self esteem tends to crush my goals before they even get off the ground, I want to experiment with this and try it for 30-90 days and see if it makes a difference.  It’s at least trying something new.  You can learn about yourself and what works and what doesn’t.  If you’re just doing the same strategies all the time and failing at those you’ll never see any results.  Just because some strategy worked for someone doesn’t mean it will work for you.  You’re not a failure if it doesn’t work - just keep trying.   You’re only a failure if you give up on yourself. I know so many women are saying this on the internet but I want to romanticize my own life. I need to glamorize my own life. This is potentially the only life I will ever have. In this age where we are using social media and watching the curated lives of the most wealthy, famous, lucky individuals and all their amazing opportunities. They are not wasting time on you. Think of all the time you spent looking at others who do not care a thing for you. I need to look around and look at the amazing and beautiful things that are happening everyday in my life. I feel this the most when I look at my son.  To me. he is the most beautiful thing in the world. He makes me feel rich, lucky, privileged and blessed. I am in awe of him. He is a complete and utter beauty. A beautiful miracle given to me by the Creator.  He is made completely of love, innocence, joy and goodness.  He takes my breath away. What a wonder! What a love! What a gift! Thank you Universe. My life is amazing. I am so lucky and I feel that every time I see his laughing, smiling, grinning face and his beautiful eyes. What a beauty he is! What a life.

Where have the days gone

I seriously don’t know. Taking care of an 11 month old - who seems to be getting all his teeth now at once (at least the front top ones) has been a whirlwind for a week. He’s finally able to sleep unattached to my body for a few hours at night. I think out of sheer exhaustion from teething. I’m currently trying to implement some of the things that I’ve been writing about. Making sure I stick to what I say and write. All of this has left me exhausted as well. Trying to get basic tasks and chores done to be immeasurably more difficult with a toddler and an annoying dog running around trying to steal or eat everything. I’m fine with - and even mostly joyfully amused with my toddler’s hijinks (almost everything he does is adorable) but not the dog. I usually have about 30 minutes of patience for the dog and then I just want him to go take a nap while me and the baby work on some stuff or play. I’ve been writing a bit but I find I don’t have the energy to add, edit and post. I’m passing out almost as soon as the baby is.

Right now I’ve been trying to re-harness my energy . Bring my focus back to me. I find myself scrolling through Instagram when I know I have personal work to do. That’s disappointing but I’m going to give myself some grace and continue down my path. I’m taking deep breaths and trying to find my center again. I am the center. I am calm. I am focused. I don’t need to do more research. I need to listen to myself. I need to create, to pour out of myself and overtime I will get better. It’s impossible not but I do have to put into action my goals.

I am no longer a consumer. I am a creator.

I am no longer a consumer. I am a creator. A protector. I am stronger but I feel more vulnerable in so many different ways. I feel more vigilant and on edge. My nerves are always heightened. Pregnancy was almost calming in a way. The dramatic changes in emotions, hormones and identity are difficult to navigate. I pray for patience and resilience, peace and beauty. I am growing and developing so much as a person right now. I recognize this as a challenging but important part of my development. I am always reaching toward, traveling toward a more evolved self. I want to reach my full potential. Challenges and dark days are apart of that desire, even though I hate it. Good things will come from trials and heartache always. In trial lies truth. Even ugly truth is important to recognize what you want to change in yourself and will no longer tolerate in others. Trial can reveal the truth about others and your relationship with them. Fair weather friends are good to recognize. It’s good to know the truth and where you stand with the people in your life. You aren’t just relying on their words - which are often false. It’s good to see who actually follows through with action in your life - even if it’s sad and disappointing to be let down. It’s good to see who stands on their words and who truly listens to yours.

Nombre quarante-trois / #43

Becoming a Mother / Identity Shift

I didn’t realize how difficult the transition to motherhood would be for me. I waited very long in life to have a child. I thought it would take me a while to get pregnant but luckily it only took a month of actual effort. I was so surprised that it threw me for a loop. I felt in a way unprepared. Even in my late age. I had read and heard so much information about difficulties conceiving I assumed I would face this. Then I had read and heard so much of difficulties during pregnancy for older women. The dreaded Geriatric pregnancy: Advanced material age. High blood pressure. I was already 10-15 lbs overweight when I got pregnant. My pregnancy went very smoothly. I had lower blood pressure than usual. I felt calmer than usual. I had the inconvenience of carpal tunnel for the last 10 weeks of pregnancy. That was the worst of it. The trouble came for me in delivery. I had no family support during the process of childbirth. The idea of giving birth had always been terrifying to me. It definitely was. My partner for certain circumstances was also absent for the majority of my labor experience. It started at 6 am and I made it to the hospital maybe around noon. I was like half a centimeter dilated but started to be in a lot of pain and I had some fluid leakage. I resisted the epidural as I labored by myself for hours - trying to rest because my dilation was only 2 cm. By 9 pm I finally took the epidural. It took forever to put in. I was shaking and convulsing soon after. I was delirious because I was in so much pain as they kept turning me from side to side because of my and the baby’s distress. I was no more dilated than before. At this point the surgeon called for a c-section due to the distress of the baby and my failure to progress through labor. It was a horrifying and sad experience for me. Luckily, the baby and I turned out great and all I have is a scar. I really wish I would have gotten a doula for my labor. I know my life and I’ve never had much support. I should have just paid $1500 to have someone be there for me. Next time I hope I will.

My postpartum was even worse because of the length of time it takes the heal from surgery and adjust to a new baby. I also chose to exclusively breastfeed. Paired with the baby’s colic, aversion to sleep and very limited help except for the 5 weeks my partner did night shift with the baby for 6 hours (interrupted by breastfeeding sessions after we decided to ditch formula which gave the baby thrush). Even though it was interrupted rest I was happy for the reprieve for 5 weeks. That’s all the help I got. Again I hope that I can afford to pay for an after birth doula for my next baby. I did not get any help from my mother or his mother because we live an hour to 2.5 hours away from them respectively. We may be in the same city when we have the second child if my partner is in graduate school. Even though it is farther from my own mother. I hope that this happens because I will be glad for the help.

Motherhood as an identify shift. Your purpose is no longer to work. If you are a SAHM it’s an even more dramatic shift. You no longer have an income. You are no longer a consumer nor a person who does much for self. Everything is about the baby. It’s an internal drive. Something happens in you . A change and everything is about this new life. You don’t have to make any effort in that shift. It just happens and for most of us you instantly deeply love your child. But you can get sort of lost in this and there’s a sort of erasure of self which at times you recognize. You may miss some moments in your past when you only had to worry about yourself. I think mainly out of sheer exhaustion. Being a mother or the sole caregiver is a job that never ends . Your love for them never ends and it can lead you into an area of what I call “failure to thrive” - where you are not taking care of your basic needs. You’ve kind of hit a brIck wall. It’s an intense burnout and you can’t meet both your needs and the babies, so rightfully the baby’s needs win. This is when mothers need help if it’s available. In my case it was not. It’s taken 10 months for me and the baby to get to a place where I can start providing some self care. It’s a shame. I truly hope my next postpartum is better.

If you are exclusively breastfeeding a lot of motherhood feels like hibernation. A breastfed baby eats more often. I would lay contorted in stage positions for hours just so he could sleep. It was eat, sleep, eat, sleep eat, sleep and constant crying because of his colic. I never went anywhere. I still never go anywhere. I felt I couldn’t take care of myself because I was afraid to leave the baby for one second. When I get to talk to anyone besides my baby and my husband it feels like a night on the town.

I wonder now if this is how people felt during covid. I worked in healthcare (pharmaceutical) and worked the entire epidemic. Almost all my friends and family worked in the same industry, some the same company so my life remained 90% the same. Motherhood has been isolating. I fully intended to return to work part time after 3 months off but my baby, my partner, and myself could not tolerate it. My child had anorexia as he hates to eat from a bottle. He would a little bit but he was eating half the amount of bottles he needed. Maybe he could have gotten used to it but it was clear that my partner was struggling with him. I also really missed my baby. Pumping was not as fruitful as I wanted it to be. I wanted to be one of those Instagram mothers who displayed a freezer full of milk but I only seemed to ever make just enough and no more.

One thing I didn’t anticipate is how much I hate having pets now that I have a baby. My partner had a cat when I met him and we got a dog a week before I found out I was pregnant. Now all they are to me are germs on four legs. The dog constantly hovers around me and the baby especially when we are eating . My baby since he could walk - absolutely hates the high chair and wants to walk around and explore while eating. It’s very frustrating already and the dog on top of it is a true nightmare to me. I’m not an animal lover. My family did not have pets growing up. I don’t even recall us asking for them. My dad disliked dogs and detested cats. I understand now. Maybe it’s just an ethnic thing, a cultural thing but now I get it. I do not like the animals . As a mother I just find them to be filthy now. The pets are just always a problem to me. I can never leave if my partner goes to the office because the dog freaks out and destroys things usually baby related. If we go out of town, we either have to have someone in our home to watch them, leave them with family , or board them for money. Those are just a few issues. Cat throw up is horrible. They poop inside the house in their boxes but still. I don’t know . It’s just disgusting. I don’t want anymore pets. I hope the kids don’t begs us for another animal. I could maybe tolerate one more dog after the last baby is kindergarten age and not the put-everything-in-their-mouth age which I don’t know how long that lasts . Either way - my point is - being a parent changes you in ways that you can’t predict. There are things I passionately dislike now which I won’t list - that either only slightly bothered me or I never even noticed before. Hopefully my hyper vigilance on germs will go away when the children are older but it’s very disturbing to me. My anxiety is through the roof all the time for so many reasons. I can’t wait for this feeling to pass.

Nombre quarante-deux / # 42

Ketchup & Counting my Wins

I’m a little behind on my work these days. I have a few posts that I’ve started but haven’t completed. I just decided to not force anything. I’m only 2-3 days behind so I thought to just let it be. My son finally had a few teeth emerge. I hear that the teething troubles will get better from now on. I’ve had a few good and bad days. Tuesday night I made a delicious dinner: Creamy Tuscan Chicken and mashed potatoes. It was well received. The baby loved it. I know the food is good if he will sit in his high chair for more than 5 minutes. He’s a good eater in general but he just seemed to have an endless stomach for this one. I was proud of myself . I recently heard that you should congratulate yourself and celebrate your wins no matter how small because it can put you into a “winner mentality “ increasing the odds of you winning more in every area of your life. Now I am saying out loud to myself and my baby through the day: “ I am doing such a great job.” “ I am a good mommy.” “ I am a great cook.” Things like this because 1: it counteracts my negative thoughts and 2: I think it teaches my baby about having self confidence, positive thoughts and speech. I hope to continue to do this. I want him to be more positive than I have been.

I visited my mother yesterday and it was nice to see her. It’s an hour drive and luckily the baby just slept both ways. He usually hates car rides but I timed it around his naps. My mom loved seeing the baby. It’s a terrible thing that I hadn’t been able to visit for almost 2 months because of a covid scare and also the heat. August and September seem like the hottest months in the Midwest for the past couple of years. Since we are in October it has begun to cool down. I normally love the rain but the recent rain has stirred up some stress because of my anxiety and OCD around dirt, mold and cleanliness. It might sound stupid or silly but if you have it then you know what I’m talking about. The pet situation is so terrible to me because I didn’t know that I would have some much of an issue around the animals plus baby. Without the baby the animals did not bother me. Now it bothers me so much it’s unbelievable the difference. All I can do is try to remain calm and pray about it. I, of course, prefer my baby. I should have known this because I’ve never been an animal lover. Of course puppies and some dogs are so adorable and cute but having them in your house is a completely different thing. I’m only realizing this just now. But back to the good stuff.

Counting your wins. I never learned how to do this. I had a super critical narcissist father and ex. Everything in life was about examining myself for flaws so I could get better. However, that really only makes you feel like everything about you and everything you do sucks and isn’t good enough. So everyday instead I’m going to count my wins. What did I do today that went right ? What am I doing so far as a mother that is going well? What am I proud of myself for? Since this is internal - these wins can be small. You don’t have to be so humble inside yourself. Who does it hurt to think that you are a winner ?! No one. I choose to believe that I am a winner. My life is a success! My life is going to plan! In fact, only a few small things have to change for me to be a tremendous success actually! We hear and read about this all the time. Only one or a few small things have to change or work out for me to be a huge success. I choose to believe that I am very close. I am very close to my wildest dreams coming true.

I am a winner and If you look around and see the goodness in your life you will find that you are too. If you live in a first world country: you won the location lottery. If you are healthy: you have won the genetics lottery. If you are reasonably good looking - especially as a woman: you are very blessed. But it’s a lot easier to be good looking if you don’t complicate it with ideas of needing to look perfect. You need to be in a healthy BMI, take care of your skin and hair, do a little make up and blam you are probably way more attractive than you think you are. You’re sitting there scrolling fake images and looking at celebrities and models who have a ton of make up, filters, beauty experts curating their entire look. You are probably way more beautiful than you give yourself credit for. And if you think having a perfectly symmetrical face is beauty look it up - that’s not even true. If you think having big eyes is beauty and you have average size eyes - seriously it’s not true. For every type of look - there is beauty in it. Stop wishing to look like someone else. It’s silly . I’ve done that my whole life. The realty is the person you think you want to look like might be wanting to look like you. People are never happy with what they have. I am so guilty of this. Stop romanticizing other people’s lives. Try to romanticize yourself and your own life. Just focus on being a healthy weight, taking care of your skin, hair, nails and dress for your body shape. I promise you many people will find you very attractive.

Now think about how else are you could be winning in life? Do you have a savings account, a Roth IRA, a 401k, make above minimum wage, own a home, have a car or even a paid off car ? A lot of people don’t have these. If you have any or all of these things - you could be winning more than you know. Do you have children ? Some people cannot have children. If you have a healthy child/ children - that’s a blessing (even though I know these little ones can kick your ass! These early years can be so hard but they are a blessing and a miracle.) Do you have family or friends ? Do you have even one friend? Some people don’t. Do you have a job you are passionate about regardless of what you earn right now? These are just examples. (I don’t currently have all these things by the way.)

I want to be more grateful in life but I want to also start reframing it. I want to use gratitude as a way to build self confidence, to take some ownership of the positive things I do have. I want to say yeah I did this. I am a winner! I contributed to a lot of the goodness in my life. I have made plenty of good decisions. I am proud of myself. Everyday I am winning in small ways and sometimes very big. Count your wins - not your faults or your flaws. “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar” baby. Kindness is an amazing virtue. Try it on yourself and see what may change in your life and inside your heart.

Center Your Life Around: You

The world teaches women to be an afterthought. That your life is more valuable in helping other’s achieve their goals and by others I mean mostly: men. It’s a given that men center their lives around themselves - there’s simply no other option contrary to this in their minds. Why wouldn’t a man center his life around his dreams and goals - they are certainly more important than a woman’s, right? The man needs to provide therefore his work or career goals are more valuable to the family. Men’s work and abilities are more valuable than a woman’s in the scheme of the world . They created civilization, right ? When’s the last time you heard of a woman inventing anything ? All of this is nonsense and simply the results of a male driven society where in the past women did not get the same access to education and opportunities and for a long time didn’t have basic rights like voting, ownership and autonomy. Once again we don’t even have the right to say what happens with our bodies. Women should learn to center themselves in their lives. My generation was under the illusion that we were doing that but what I see with women in their 20’s now I’m like wow - they are really actually doing it. Being single and/or choosing not to have children especially in your 20’s - I think this is the best idea. The worst thing that happened in my life was choosing to be in a relationship in my teens and 20’s. I am envious of the young women who are really focusing on themselves and living their dreams. I was forced to abandon my dreams and my life at 22 years old and I’ve suffered everyday until now for it. I choose to suffer no longer. To let go of the what could have been’s , to release the disappointment and the shame but I still wish I would have chosen different. Near 40 I made the choice to have a child because I truly wanted one. Besides some postpartum depression and the baby being colic - everything has gone very well. I obviously don’t suggest everyone to wait until they are 40 because my circumstances were a bit unique but I do advocate for spending your teens and twenties not focusing on men or romance but learning about yourself and focusing on your own dreams and desires. Learning to place your focus on yourself and not men is paramount. I think of all I could have potentially achieved and done without dating. But I was shy and naive in many ways. I was mostly without a father and under the impression that I needed a man to navigate the world. There is not sorrow in everything that happened to me in those years . I do have some great memories and experiences here and there that I do truly cherish like my experience with the indigenous community, my favorite job , a few friendships, and some truly unique experiences and learning that I will never forget and wouldn’t have been exposed to otherwise. I thank the Universe and the Creator for this. I wish to walk in beauty for the rest of my life. To walk forward in peace. To not look back and regret. I wish for my thoughts and my words to be beautiful. I wish to have peace and calm in my soul. I wish for beauty in all things and I wish that for everyone, especially women. Love and cherish yourself. No one may ever truly love you as much as you love yourself. It is potentially the most important relationship you will ever have. Don’t throw yourself away especially because of or for a man. Center your life around yourself. Life is not just made for men - it is for all of us. The dreams written on your heart matter. Even if they seem insignificant. The Universe has called you here for a reason. The Creator longed for you - to love you, to watch you grow, to watch you fall but get back up, to watch you WIN, to see your heart filled with joy. The Creator wants those dreams to be fulfilled. The Creator is longing to see you smile. Your life is beautiful, even in the darkness, even though you are sometimes filled with fear - REMEMBER: all you have to do is OPEN YOUR EYES. The Creator is waiting for you to see how beautiful you are, how special you are, that you are the center of everything He created for you. You can not play someone else’s story because you think so little of yourself. Each role is profound and perfect, do not interject your human understanding or analysis. You are a darling beauty to the Creator : open your eyes to the truth. Darkness is the illusion. The concept that you are insignificant is nonsense and cruel. You would not be here if you were not important. Whether your parents or partners, family or friends valued or loved you is irrelevant - the Universe brought you here to be loved and cherished. It’s quite a miracle to exist. You are a dream in itself . You are the miraculous dream of beauty, the longing and awe of a benevolent Creator. You must listen to your soul - to the dreams inside your heart - open them up : let them smile, let them dance , let them sing. Be not humbled, or shunned, or be rejected or neglected. Your mission is to listen to your soul - to laugh, to smile, to sing to dance, to feel joy - to make the Creator smile. You are the joy of the Universe, personified. You are not a helper. You are the main character. Sing and be beautiful. You are an unstoppable miracle. Pick yourself up and dance again.

No One Knows How to deal with Basic Mental Health Issues

I love when someone asks me if I am okay and then when I say no - they do or say nothing. Everyone has always seemed to do this to me, especially my sister who ironically has a degree in Psychology. To me not only is it not helpful - because you’re not offering any aid - it’s almost like you’re trying to shame me. You’re saying stop acting the way your acting . I don’t like it. I’m pointing out that you’re not okay. Get okay. I think some people ask me to try to embarrass me. It’s stupid because that type of shaming has never worked on me. I find it to be cruel because if you can imagine seeing someone down or at their worst emotionally and you are trying to kick them with your words. It’s sickening really. Saying passive aggressive statements about how I’m crazy and need therapy is also cruel, unnecessary and worthless unless you are actually attempting to get someone a therapist. That pisses me off so much. I don’t give a fuck that me not being okay is getting on your nerves or it’s overwhelming to you. Fuck off. Imagine how I feel then. (Because I am mostly minding my own business 95% of the time when I’m having a meltdown.)

Also, letting me say what’s wrong and then literally stonewalling me and not responding seems pretty rude and signaling that YOU the listener has some sort of personality disorder. It’s almost like again they simply asks to warn you that your feelings are unacceptable. When you share your feelings because you thought it was a genuine concern, they simply do not know how to respond because they really don’t care. You are once again inconveniencing them - bothering them with your emotions.

If you’re going to point out that I’m not doing well and offer me no help or even kind words - then you’re being passive aggressive. I will definitely not be okay magically for you. It’s not possible and even if I could just magically be okay then I would for myself and no one else.

It’s trying to “ check me “ and get me to fall in line. I’m not going to say that I’m okay if I’m not. Maybe that’s why women always just say “yeah I’m okay “ because nobody is going to do anything anyways. You just keep asking with no solutions. In fact you already know the answer so why ask. Merely asking my emotional status is not providing help, care or support. It’s the ultimate bare minimum and mostly so disturbing it’s like a slap in the face at this point.

I feel like we all need basic training on dealing with minor mental health crises. How to spot them and what to do. Obviously if someone is having a major crisis they should be taken to the doctor or hospital.

But I will repeat. Don’t ask me if I’m okay if you’re not going to do a thing about it. I’m well aware of my state. I don’t need a worthless commentary track. Asking me if I’m okay is not being supportive. It’s almost emotional abusive and definitely emotionally unintelligent. Merely asking if I’m okay is not proof of love. If you have no emotional tools - don’t ask me if I’m okay. Because I’m just going to say no and you’re just going to stand there and now you’re adding rage into my already difficult day.

Nombre trente-neuf / # 39

Anxiety Disorder

Nombre trente-huit/ # 38

I’m fairly sure I have an anxiety disorder. The amount of intense anxiety I feel on a daily basis is unreal. I feel like my skin is crawling. Anxiety medication is so bad for your brain, your memory specifically and God knows what else. I’m too scared to go on. I would only if it was a life or death situation for myself or my son. Meanwhile I feel terrible. I didn’t realize that having a small child would make my anxiety feel worse than I have in almost a decade. I feel like screaming - not screaming at anyone - certainly not my baby - it’s not his fault. Just screaming. I want to do that exercise where you scream into a pillow but I don’t want to do it in front of him. So I can’t. He’s teething right now. I think he has his first top and bottom tooth now so he needs to be holding me or seeing me at all times right now. It’s been raining for I haven’t been able to do our daily stroller walks for 3 days now. I suppose the only things I can do is try to exercise, drink water, meditate, journal, cut the sugar, increase nutrition and get better sleep. It’s sort of a laugh though like good luck with that but I am going to try because there’s really nothing else I can do. I’ve been considering starting talk therapy again but I’m not sure my baby could be entertained for that long with or without me. He would be telling the therapist “da-da” everything about how he feels and what he’s been going through lately I’m sure. He’s a talker.

Emotional Eating

I’ve always had a history of emotional eating which has caused me to frequently get 10-15 lbs overweight. Luckily it’s never teach an eating disorder level. I don’t binge eat or have Binge Eating Disorder but I’ve been potentially approaching that at times in my life due to reoccurring extremely high levels of stress. During this postpartum period, I’ve mostly had the opposite problem. In times where I get so overly anxious I will actually almost stop eating. I’ve been so stressed that I didn’t really have an appetite until the 8 month of my postpartum journey. I definitely ate enough to feed my baby but it was a chore. Now I’ve noticed in the last month that I am having some back to back days of emotional eating. I had some emotional eating in August around my birthday because the baby which normally doesn’t sleep well, was having even worse sleeping. He was being extra fussy. For the last 3 days I’ve been eating maybe 500 -700 calories in excess everyday! I don’t know exactly how much overeating is considered a binge. I’m not overweight, I’m still breastfeeding and I’ve recently increased my walking (for pleasure and stress relief) so I’m not concerned about gaining too much weight back. My major concern is the decrease in my nutrition. My food choices during these emotional eating sessions are not good. When I emotional eat I always gravitate toward sugar. I would say that I battle with a sugar addition. Breaking free of this addiction is super important for me and my babies health. I told myself I would start in September but I was not successful. I will start again once I get the desserts out of the house. Perhaps in one week. An app that truly helped me with my emotional eating a few years ago was Eat Right Now. I used it for 3 - 6 months because I had it on discount through a work program. It actually helped me a lot. I believe I only really used it for 3 months. It wasn’t labor intensive. You listened to a few things and read a little. It worked like magic. I may return to using it if I continue to have problems. The main reasons that are contributing to me overeating besides the obvious stress of having a small child is :

1. Rushing to eat.

2. Having to hold him while I eat.

3. The baby crying while I eat.

4. Having to feed him and myself at the same time.

5. The baby literally tearing food out of my hands.

6. The dog hovering around .

All this adds up to me not enjoying my food, having to eat quickly, and not being relaxed while I eat. This takes so much out of eating I feel like I either don’t want to eat at all or I try to get more food to see if maybe this time I can enjoy it but it never works. I have to be relaxed to eat and enjoy my food. Otherwise what’s the point. After I stop breastfeeding, if I’m not pregnant again - I may eat very little at all. There’s no time to enjoy much of anything at this time - certainly not food. Perhaps I’ll get really into fasting again. I hope so.

Moving up the Scale

As I have been making the shift in becoming more positive, it’s important for me to replace negative internal dialogue and thoughts with something more positive . Sometimes that feels impossible because a negative event can quickly spiral into a very bad session of negativity as well as a ruined day for me. It’s a trait that I’ve always had and I thought I could do nothing about . This is just the way I am. I no longer CHOOSE to believe this. I CHOOSE to believe I am a POSITIVE person because I believe that what you think, feel, say and believe actually physically shapes your reality. When I’m in a negative spiral it’s not easy to just flip the switch back to positive so I will practice moving up the scale. This means gradually moving from a low and negative vibration or thought and feeling pattern to a higher one. This is an example of what I am doing.

Inner dialogue: “Everything sucks. This is terrible. I’m so bad at this. I can’t do anything right. Why does he keep falling? Why does he keep crying? I’m a horrible mom. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t even go to the bathroom. I’m so tired. This sucks. I need help. I can’t do this all by myself. Please be quiet. Please be careful. Please listen. Please stop crying. Shhhh. I hate this. I hate everything. I had my life. No one ever helps me. ….etc.”

I try to stop myself as soon as possible and start replacing this dialogue with simple or easy positive statements then start to build up my vibration again

Example of slow positive progress: “Everything is fine. Everything is okay. Everything is good. I am good. I am doing a good job. He is a good baby. He is happy. I am happy. He is healthy. I am healthy. We are safe. We are fed. We are warm. I am good. Everything is good. Everything is great. Everything will be alright. Everything is working out. I am doing a good job. One thing at a time. One day at a time. Things are getting better. Things are getting easier. He will sleep eventually. He will stop crying so much after his nap. When he’s asleep I can rest a little. I am good. Life is good. Life is great. I’m doing a good job. I am safe. I am good. I am loved. I am happy. We love each other. I love him so much. He’s so beautiful. He’s so sweet. He’s my little darling. He’s such a blessing. I love him so much. We love each other. Life is good. I am getting better at this. I am good at this. Things are getter better and better. Life is good. My life is beautiful. My life is good. Life is getting better and better. My life is beautiful. He will sleep. I will sleep. I will rest. I have peace. I have calm . I am so comfortable. This moment feels so good. I am so relaxed. I am loved. Life is beautiful. My life is beautiful. My life is so much more beautiful because of my son. Today “ my words will be beautiful...”

And my thoughts will be beautiful too.

Nombre trente-six / # 36