Pride

I’m proud of myself for keeping with my goal to declutter or tidy up an area everyday. I see it as a way to prepare. A physical representation of an act of preparation. I believe I have some beautiful gifts just waiting on the other side of this preparation. I am excited to see what the Universe, what the Creator will give me as I create space for new things in my life. I am releasing all things that I cling to as I renounce the sense of scarcity I have lived in almost all my life. There is enough. I will not go without. I am safe. God has provided for me. Any need I shall have will be answered. I don’t need to hoard things just in case this happens or that happens. Everything is good. I have plenty. My cup is overflowing actually and in the past I could not see it or feel it because scarcity had such a hold on me. I am well fed and well clothed. I live with all the amenities of modern American life. I have more than plenty. I am abundant. I am abundance. I am wealthy. Wealthy people don’t hold on to every last thing. I will stop holding onto the crumbs. This reminds me of a Rumi quote:

“You are the honored guest, Do not weep like a beggar for a piece of the world.”

I have quite a bit of outward confidence which I attribute to just the fact that I am an extrovert. I’m genuinely interested and fascinated in other people and connection. Connection that is more important than my insecurities. A craving for connection that lies beyond the modern need for competition and critical comparisons. However, beyond the facade of my social confidence, within myself lies a deep feeling of inadequacy, a lack of self acceptance and compassion, a lack of pride and love in myself. I could wax on about the reasons why but really does that matter ? The result is the result. A damaged sense of self that I previously didn’t know or wouldn’t acknowledge existed. But it does exist. Not acknowledging something out of shame or desperation doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It’s hard to feel proud of myself . That Rumi quote makes me realize the ways in my life that I am acting like a beggar. I am acting as though I am impoverished when I am not because it’s the reflection of a poverty of love, most notably self love. These past few years I have been on a journey to demand love for myself - mostly from myself but from others in the form of reciprocal relationships. I no longer feed into or build relationships with those who do not match my effort. I do not care about their abilities or their backstory - their why’s. It’s simply math. If you do not match me - I won’t cut you off like you are toxic - I just will not pour my cup into you. I am saving my cup for me. In a life where not being abused feels like love - this is a radical statement. I am saving my cup for me. Not being abused does not equal love or respect. It could be friendship. It could simply be tolerance. It could still be a form or a way for someone to use you or manipulate because people like me are easier to impress in a way. Just basic human treatment and kindness may seem like love to me. Just like a lack of emotional availability or emotional expression may seem like mysterious and charming even to someone who is highly expressive. It’s a shame that the damage done to me in the first 30 years of my life can continue to hurt me in my skewed reality and in some ways nativity. My moral goodness always seemed to blind me from others actions and true intentions. I’ve often said out loud as an adult: “But why would they lie? “. It’s absurd that I cannot understand that this is just what humans do. I have to remind myself of this daily. Back to the beautiful words :

“You are the honored guest, Do not weep like a beggar for a piece of the world.”

I am preparing my space for the goodness that the Creator has waiting for me. I know it will surprise and delight me. I am ready for my blessings. I am ready to love myself. I want to walk in the beauty way. I recently heard the most amazing Navajo prayer. Which I think I will share often here in little parts because it is the most beautiful thing I have heard in quite some time of not ever. It’s called “Walking in Beauty” and it’s the closing prayer of the Navajo way blessing ceremony. It’s very long so I won’t share the whole thing unless I do a post about it. I am so inspired by this prayer and hope to say it often to myself. I said it yesterday as I took a walk with my son but the beginning goes like this:

“In beauty I walk

With beauty before me I walk

With beauty behind me I walk

With beauty above me I walk

With beauty around me I walk

It has become beauty again …”

Navajo culture is so beautiful, poetic and profound. The blessing is exquisite to me. I am decluttering my space because I want to live the Beauty Way, to love myself, to honor my life, to have pride in myself. I am not the beggar. I am the honored guest and I am living in a beautiful way - in a beautiful world. I return to the beauty.

Nombre trente-cinq / # 35

Clearing disappointment

Nombre trente-quatre / # 34

Everything is working out for me. Being disappointed in someone or something is just me honing my desire and my path to reach what I truly want. Disappointment teaches me what feels good and what doesn’t - what I want and don’t want - what I need - don’t need and will not tolerate. Disappointment is not a derailment or a punishment - disappointment is a compass. Disappointment is God whispering in my ear : are you going to settle for this ? I want more for you and it exists someplace but not here . Keep moving and I will guide you to the right person place or thing. Don’t get stuck in the pain, irritation, or anger . You won’t reach the end of the rainbow. I’ve spent years being derailed about how people have treated me, trying and hoping for them to treat me better or constantly analyzing why - when I could have just been moving down my path to the right person, place, or thing. It’s really a stubbornness in a way - trying to make everything what you want it to be when there is a plan and you’re not accepting it. Whether you are programmed to do this by your childhood, abuse, shame, perfectionism - whatever it is : scarcity even. STOP. Trust that your path and what is truly meant for you - for your deepest fulfillment does exist and it’s just around the corner as soon as you let go of what you thought you wanted / needed. God/ the Universe knows what is best for you. Surrender into your true path, destiny and purpose. I promise you it will be better than what you were holding onto with rage and sadness. I promise you it will be better than what you had planned. Surrender in peace and love, dissolve all disappointment. God’s promise to you is greater. God’s plan for you will be tenfold of what you were clinging to in despair. God’s promise will blossom in you and evolve your soul into the greater version of you. God’s promises for you will heal your heart.

Space-time

Nombre trente-trois / #33

I’m never really sure what day it is. This reminds me of one of the monologues from the Fight Club movie, but seriously in being the sole caretaker for an infant - I am never really sure what day is actually is. As you can imagine this makes thing difficult to get done. I don’t know how many times I have to stop and restart certain activities. I also have to break up small tasks into even ridiculously smaller tasks. Days go by in 2-3 day chunks that feel like one really horrible day - for months . I honestly don’t even care about eating I just know I have to in order to breastfeed. I don’t know why he’s crying MOST of the time and that feels really embarrassing to me for some reason because people have perpetuated this idea that a mother always knows her baby or you have some supernatural intuitive womanly knowledge but it’s not true. Scientifically. I read a research article that suggested otherwise. They had women (and men I think) listen to different baby cries and guess the need from their intuitive knowledge of a baby. Their guesses were mostly wrong. So if you are struggling with this strange expectation on yourself - don’t. Babies cry and you just go through the list of things to do (only using the knowledge of what happened in that day) for example their diaper or clothes are wet - I’ll change them or it’s been 2 hours since they ate- I’ll try to feed him again etc. By the way showing up after everything’s been sorted is very annoying and not calming. It spikes my blood pressure. I’d rather be left alone in the few moments of calm I get a day. One of the hacks I’ve been using is taking the baby out for walks in the stroller. I get about a 30 minute break from him trying to touch or eat anything dirty or dangerous or constantly falling and hurting himself. He’s strapped into the stroller . He enjoys nature . (We have a lot of beautiful large trees in our neighborhood.) He gets to be outside and he loves outside. He gets to say hi to people and kids and trees and cars. He usually enjoys . He sometimes just zones out peacefully. It’s a win-win for both of us as research has also shown that being in nature has a more calming effect than taking a Xanax. I try to do this once a day and if I’m lucky - twice. I know I sound like I’m complaining and I said I wasn’t going to do that . I just felt I needed to explain why I pop up and post 3 times and then no post for 36 hours. Often times I have already written the post but I fell asleep before I posted it. Or I started it but had to stop because of a minor baby meltdown situation. Also to just remark on how it’s such a strange phenomenon to experience 2-3 days as 1 day - it’s very trippy and I’m definitely “tripping “ lately .

Listen…./ Ecouter

Everything is going as planned. Smile and act accordingly. You don’t have to decipher every aspect and interpret every change as good or bad. Just know : it is all good. It is all apart of the plan. It’s all about the end game. You are good. You are blessed. He has all your best interests in mind. He is giving you your hearts desire. All you must do is love yourself, love your life : be love and it will be returned to you . Be peace and it will be returned to you. Be hopeful and your gifts will be revealed to you at a quicker speed. God loves you and is blessing you with this beautiful wondrous joyful life. Everything is going as planned. Smile and act accordingly

Overwhelmed and Underweight

Many days I’m so overwhelmed. I am leaning into my spiritual beliefs - into my Creator. I don’t want to delve back into my old ways. My pessimism and negative rumination. I know that gets me nothing. I choose to believe in a high power, who wants nothing but goodness for me. A Creator who has blessings and gifts waiting for me. As I surrender into this test - to the hardest challenge on MY life. I understand that everyone’s challenges are different. I’m not going to judge myself against other people anymore. What looks easy on some may not actually be easy and everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. Just because motherhood looks and is hard on me - doesn’t mean that I should feel shame. Again everyone has different strengths and abilities - and different hurdles and resources. Every child is different as well! I am keeping my head up in this challenging from now on. I will no longer judge myself against others as a mother. As long as your child’s basic. physical, emotional and medical needs are being met - you are a good mother. It may not be pretty like Instagram and social media mom influencers make it look but you are doing your best - under your specific circumstances and conditions. I love my baby immensely and everyday I’m trying to be a better mother and homemaker. As I’ve been saying to myself : everyday is a new day and everyday I am making progress whether it’s indiscernible from the outside it’s still progress. Small steps will eventually be great leaps. Negativity only gets me stuck. I am trusting in God’s blessings for me. I am trusting in God’s promises. I am believing in a more beautiful world. This hurts no one to believe in the beauty and opportunity each day has to offer. What has brought me awe and wonder today ? What gifts and presents will I receive today ? Every day I receive a gift from God. Everyday I see a wonder. I stand in awe. Thank you God. Thank you for your blessings. I will look out of them. I am ready.

Day 314

My mommy app proclaimed we were on day 314 with my little beautiful son. The time has gone by so fast -as everyone says. Random strangers always remark to cherish these days even though they may be difficult. They go by so fast and you will miss these days. They say. He’s so adorable and precious. His smiles of wonder and playful grins are spellbinding to me. He’s such an active, adventurous, tenacious child and many nights I am woefully exhausted. He’s 10 and a half months old. I have struggled so hard with becoming a mother. My anxiety has been through the roof and I’ve had a lot less help than I wanted. At times I would say, I had a lot less help than I needed. My mental health and my weight has declined since having a child . I’ve been slowly trying to build myself up again. I want to acknowledge that I am very lucky and blessed that my physical health and my son’s health have been great. This is truly a blessing. In addition I would say I feel that I look almost 95% the same as I did before pregnancy and childbirth. I am just a lot leaner. Unfortunately, not only did I lose fat but I lost a lot of muscle. It will be a journey to rebuild my muscle base which I might consider documenting once I have my son’s sleep schedule more reliable. While I think it’s more important to be muscular than skinny, I currently feel that all I can do is work on losing these last 8 - 10 lbs I want to lose. It should improve my cholesterol which I’d like to drop 24 lbs (so that I’m under 200). I would also really like to cut sugar out of my diet because my son will eat whatever I eat and I don’t want him to be a sugar addict like I am.

It’s kind of sad that it has taken me 10 and a half months to really actually be able to do some self care for myself. I’m allowed no real personal time. I’ve never been good at multitasking and I’ve always been someone who takes quite a long time to do things. I’m mentally quite quick (or I was before the baby) but I’ve always been a person that performs tasks in a leisurely way. I find when I’m trying to go fast, when I’m rushing around I tend to break things or hurt myself. Slow is steady I’ve heard. I’ve been nap trapped most of my postpartum because my baby is a terrible sleeper. This is probably the main reason my self care has been so difficult to maintain. This week I’ve started to be able to do some things in the room while he’s sleeping so hopefully this will continue .

Checking in

So the last two days went by in a blur again. I skipped our morning walk and we did an evening walk which I find to not be as enjoyable. I might be because my partner brings the dog. Our basset hound is kind of a maniac on walks. I have maintained my weight. I’m still 129 pounds. I’m still working with my Fabulous app to create some routines so I can be more productive. I haven’t thought about my business plan. My partner went to work on Wednesday and brought home take out which was nice. Last night I thought we were going to have the steak that was thawed out so I started making a Stewed tomatoes recipe which turned out lovely. However, my partner said he wanted to make steaks on Friday. ( Our favorite steak house The Pine Club introduced us to stewed tomatoes. I passed on it the first time I was there because I was perplexed as to what that even was. Now it’s one of my favorite things.) So I thought we’re just gonna have an elevated grilled cheese and tomato soup tonight. So we had really good whole grain fiber bread and Boarshead white American cheese as grilled cheese with the stewed tomatoes. I loved it. I’ve always kind of hated Campbell’s Tomato soup and after I realized how easy it was to make stewed tomatoes I’m never going to have Campbell’s again. That stewed tomato recipe turning out so well. Oddly that was probably the highlight of the past few days besides, of course , my baby doing random adorable things and just being a beautiful healthy 10 month old.

I feel a little different internally. I’ve been wanting to try to actively stop my negative thinking. I want to start visualizing and meditating on the things and feelings that I WANT to have. I think I’m going to have to schedule these moments into my day. I want to build some routines around positive visualization. I’m continuing to declutter successfully even if my son will only let me work on an area for 5 minutes at a time - it’s start to work.

One Month / Un Mois

I am approaching 30 days of posting. I am contemplating how this project has changed anything in my life so far from my daily actions, beliefs, thoughts etc. I think that the post I made about “bringing things back to myself,” is probably the most important change I have experienced since I first started this project. An internal action that I would attribute solely to working on this digital journal. Additional I started using an app which I wouldn’t completely endorse at the moment because I’ve only been using it probably for 2 weeks. This app is called Fabulous. I don’t like the name because it makes it seem kind of trite or maybe even beauty related. It’s allegedly scientifically testing approaches to dealing with ADHD and or habit building, procrastination problems. While I don’t feel like I have ADHD , I’ve had such a lack of focus even before the baby . I had trouble reading - an activity I used to love as a child and teenager. I think my issues are trauma based as well as self esteem and perfectionism issues. Before I started this app I’d been trying to develop a daily routine. I was writing one out in my notes but I was sure I couldn’t start it until things get better with the baby. I started using the app not knowing what it would offer other than the claim of improving ADHD and procrastination. It seems to be helping you create a routine for morning, afternoon and evening - along with other things but I’m just on the routine portion. I haven’t been perfect and extra diligent with the app as my days are sometimes really chaotic however I am learning and improving little by little. I would attribute my morning walks or trip to the park to this app. As well as my habit of afternoon tidying up one little spot - even if it’s not successful in my opinion meaning I didn’t fully complete the task to my specifications or satisfaction I still do something and that has really been noticed. My partner commented on it . I think it will improve my relationship some because he hates clutter and I am a very cluttered person. I don’t know if the app inspired me to start my grocery shopping and chores worksheet or if I was the conversation I had with my partner about conscientious. I think he thinks he’s manipulating me to become better at housekeeping and cooking by referring to my being a SAHM as my job now. I don’t really care if he thinks this way. I just want to be better at it for my son and I want to be able to cook the most delicious healthy meals for him everyday - one day. Fairly soon my baby will no longer be breastfed so I feel I need to come up with a plan for feeding him the way I want to. I plan on hopefully having him fully weened by 18 months so I have 7 and a half months to figure it out. I will continue to think about this but I think those are the few changes - slightly more focus on myself, maybe a little more positivity, building a personal morning routine and buying tools to help me with grocery shopping, meal planning and cleaning.

Bringing Things Back to Myself

I have a huge problem of making everything about everyone else. I do this for multiple reasons, some of which I am not truly aware of. Why do I do it I ask myself? Sometimes I think it’s because of low self-esteem. I don’t believe in myself so I try to invest in others. Sometimes I think it’s some altruistic need I have to help others and an urge toward community. Often I think it’s about fear. I am afraid that my ideas, talents, abilities, etc. are not good enough. Perhaps I am subconsciously pessimistic and believe I have bad luck. Maybe it’s a cop-out. It’s much easier to ride on someone else dreams and be the helper but I know I don’t truly want that. I want my own goals, dreams, successes and achievements. My commitment to this digital journal is a act of daily “bringing things back to myself “. I have to intentionally make myself the focus of my life. I have to intentionally remind myself to stop ruminating about the negative past or something/someone that’s bothering me in my present. I spend some much time on the negative. I am so often thinking about what I don’t like that I truly forget to focus on myself and my dreams. Today the baby and I went for a walk. I am still thinking about my business product and developing some marketing copy. I need to figure out if I can make the item but I came up with a name. I will finish writing all of the copy ideas in my head today. Maybe tomorrow I will set up a mock webpage or unpublished page with my copy on it or at least do this by the end of the week. I’m going to dust off my planner and see if I can get that back into a routine. I have some ideas to declutter my desk and the hallway closet today. Sometimes I feel like I’m just shuffling things around but if it improves your visual aesthetic I do believe that’s worth it. Part of not being able to get anything done is that my son still needs me by him for all naps and he hates being in anything confining. He will just have meltdowns. I know there’s people on the internet that will say I’m overindulging him but I kind of have my hands tied in many ways that I probably shouldn’t get into. I am trying my best. I want to be a good mom. Sometimes being a good mom is sort of stopping me from getting things down but oh well for right now. I am still quite sleep deprived and not thinking my best at all. As I said I’m doing the best with the resources and abilities I have. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe things will get better. I’m also using my reminders in my phone and I think that’s helping. I bought some planners specifically for grocery and meal planning as well as cleaning. I’m fairly sure that I don’t have ADHD, however, because I think I have PTSD plus “mommy brain” I realized lately that having planners, reminders, apps etc. is the only way that I can get anything done. I thought I could “wing it” and 9 months in - failing on a daily basis - I realized I definitely cannot. I realized that’s okay. Why do I feel like “winging it” is some kind of accomplishment ? In reality, probably the most successful people in the world are not “winging it” at all but have meticulous plans. I want to be more conscientious to and with MYSELF and my life instead of this brainwashing of only caring about things when it’s employment or academic related. My life matters, what I want matters, and showing up for myself and my dreams requires a syllabus or curriculum if you will. I’m learning how to develop that for myself and examining what that really means. Returning to myself is important and NOT engaging in self sabotaging actions like distracting myself, dissociating, ruminating, burying myself in others or maladaptive daydreaming. Being in the here and now - checking in multiple times a day - is important and necessary for me. Why is this so difficult for me? Probably because of having a narcissist parent and being groomed as a child into an extremely abusive relationship. Was that fair that this happened to me ? No, but it is what it is. It is the reality. Those are the things that have damaged me and set me back in life from self actualization, happiness, personal achievement and some basic life skills for healthy self regulation. That’s fine. That was the reality of my past and now I can change my reality because I am in control. I am not hiding from it and burying the pain. I am not going to feel shame. I am going to dedicate myself to strategies that will help me overcome these challenges, not worrying about who is the blame and why or how if only I had escaped sooner I would have a different life. You start where you start. I am 40. I could be starting this at 60. I just saw a video with a 60 year old man, who was a performer oversees. He looked so young and had so much energy. You could not discern his age truly. Two words he says he never uses is “age” and “job”. I love that and want to adopt that because those are two big issues for me. I don’t need to be defined by or worried about my age. Everyone’s life and lessons are unique. Success at a young age is not necessarily good. I have to believe that things will come to me in the time that is best by the grace of the Creator, who loves me completely and who is and has always been there for me. I am loved and supported by God. I need to stop worrying about everything and everyone else. There is so much joy and possibility in the world. I need to see that with laser clarity, not the ways in which others and myself have let me down. I love myself and the I love my son. I love the world. I am improving and growing. Everything is all good.

Postpartum Wellness / Health 2

As I mentioned I am starting to fast again. I am fascinated by the benefits and results of fasting that I have read about and some of the experiences I’ve had myself. I wouldn’t necessarily describe fasting as a weight loss tool and that’s why I believe so many people are disinterested in it. Most people seem to only want to do what’s going to make them lose as much weight as possible and not what’s going to make them more healthy. I weigh the least amount I’ve ever weighed as an adult but I definitely don’t think my body looks as good as it did when I was 142 lbs muscular and lean. I’m 5’3” with a large bust for reference so 142 lbs is quite heavy for my height and technically overweight by BMI standards. For the past two days I have weighed in at 129.5 lbs. I have met my small goal two weeks into this cycle. (I always have small/easy and big/hard goals when I’m trying to lose weight.) However, I haven’t even been eating in a deficit. My average calories per day has been close to 2500 calories. I did start fasting and also increasing my step count modestly. This is kind of perplexing results. I recently had a whole blood work up about 3 weeks ago for my yearly checkup. I wanted to make sure I didn’t have a thyroid problem and that’s why I was losing so much weight. My thyroid and everything else for that matter was good. (I had a cholesterol of 223 but I have very high good cholesterol and family history of high cholesterol.) My goal for my next check up in 6 months is to lose the 10 lbs, walk more and perhaps eat better and increase fiber. My ultimate goal, in my absence of time to workout and build muscle, is to weight 121 lbs (lose 8 more pounds) and be consistent with my physical therapy exercises for my core. My stomach still feels and looks a bit different from my pregnancy and c-section. I need to work on my core muscles.

Fasting has so many benefits besides weight loss and if you don’t have a history of a serious eating disorder or some serious medical problems I would recommend it to almost any adult. I once did a 3 day fast and it was so difficult but it was quite an interesting experience and accomplishment. A 3 day fast is supposed to reset your immune system. I wouldn’t recommend long fasts to people unless it’s something they are really into but even a daily fast between 13-17 hours a day would be quite beneficial for most people and worth a honest try.

Sunday

Sunday was a big day for me and the baby. Not only did we go to the park but we went to a restaurant as a family for the first time. The baby did really well. He’s 10 and a half months now. I did have to hold him the whole time but it went okay. We traveled to the next little town over. After dinner we explored the river walk area. It was very cute and I noticed there were several historical buildings which I might research and write about later. Historical architecture is fascinating to me. That evening the baby went to sleep early at 7 pm because he only had one nap during day. He slept on and off for 13 hours. He definitely woke up and cried many times as he always does but he was mostly attempting to sleep for that long which is nice. I watched some shows for a while as I was holding him as he nursed and slept.

Monday went by in a blur. I tried to go to the park but the timing wasn’t right. My partner always gets up like 2 hours after us. I want to talk to an adult for a bit but it messes up the flow. I think I’ll just leave tomorrow at 9 am because the same thing happened today. Instead of doing nothing I walked him in a stroller around the neighborhood and he fell asleep part way through which was a relief .

I want to start being more independent and active. Yesterday we threw away several things away as my partner went on a cleaning rampage. It motivated me to start organizing my life more. This morning I thought of a product / business idea that was inspiring to me. I’m going to think about it some more. I really have been trying to be positive about my income situation. Perhaps this idea will be the key. I’m going to see if it’s possible for me.

I’m sticking to my goal of making dinner at least 3 times a week. Today I’m making a chicken tortilla soup for the first time in my crockpot. I’m going to need to tweek the recipe but it’s all good. I don’t think anything else interesting has happened so far.

Dealing with Resentment

Dealing with resentment and anger is really hard for me. I constantly feel so let down by others. This is where my resentment stems from. I don’t feel cared for or helped by others. I was thinking that the only thing I can do is simply let it go. Holding onto it doesn’t punish the other person because honestly they either don’t care or they are so selfish and unaware that explaining it to them would be exhausting and a further insult. I just have to let expectation die. It’s frustrating because if I let my expectation about a person die than it also kills them in my mind and heart a bit. That’s just how I am. I feel like I cannot love them the same way if I have to kill my expectations of them, especially involving their character or their level of love of me. When my father abandoned my family when I was a child, I quickly decided that he was dead to me. Of course no one is perfect and I’m not doing this over “you forgot to take your laundry out of the drier” or “you didn’t invite me to your Fourth of July plans”. It’s usually about much more serious and pervasive behavior. My last therapist asked me if I was expecting everyone to be me? Meaning am I holding everyone to my own level of character, kindness, thoughtfulness, ability etc. I said yes I was. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that. She said some people may not be functioning as high or be able to do the things you are doing. Since I’m no great achiever in life - that never occurred to me at all. But nevertheless that doesn’t mean there aren’t people functioning lower than I am. For example my sister has ADHD. She would probably hate to be brought up like this but ADHD often affects executive functioning but in her case I’m sure she would say she functions much better than me. So I would ask then why has the relationship seemed so one-sided so often ? My answer would be - where it’s always been - I think it’s willful neglect. That she like others really don’t want to help me, especially if it’s inconvenient for them. Besides a select few, I feel I am surrounded by “fair weather” people. Everyone these days are so self obsessed and don’t have any concept of true community. I only know a few people with a great sense of community and kindness and often I go back to my experiences in the indigenous community. Perhaps there is something beautiful in these own relationships here and now that I am missing. I will examine them harder to see what it could be. Perhaps I am contributing to this abandoned in some way as it seems to be pervasive in my life.

Resentment can rob you of the here and now so I choose to just think of what’s going well for me and think about the positive things I want in the future for myself and my son. I will let the versions of people die in my head as I vow to see the truth. I have a bad habit of filling in the spaces in others to make them whole in my mind like I did when I was younger for my narcissistic father. Sadly, this only causes more disappointment when the reality crashes up against the image of them that I have created in my mind. I am actively trying to do more things for myself and my son. I want to get out of the house and create more memories. I have a horrible habit of neglecting myself and what I truly want in this life. I spend too much time bitter and focusing on the things that didn’t work out and the people who let me down. I think the key is to keep doing things, trying new things instead being stuck on freeze or dwelling in the negative past. For the rest of the month I want to continue my blogging experiment, keep taking the baby to the park in the mornings, keep decluttering, improving my mindset and working on my fitness journey.

Wavering

I waver between feeling like my world is falling apart and beautiful joyous moments with my son. I sometimes relish in the simple act of completing a task through in one sitting or taking the baby on an errand without the baby having a complete meltdown. These days have been so challenging but he really is a beautiful joyful lovely child. Today I took him to the park in the morning while it was still cool and he loved it. Somehow he didn’t cry on the way to (5 minutes drive) and I timed it so that by the time we got back to the car he was 10 minutes away from his nap. Napper app estimate which by the way doesn’t really work well for my baby but I use it as a broad guideline. But the park was lovely. We were able to get some fresh air, it was cool, I got some steps in. I also got myself a cup of coffee, a breakfast sandwich, and a donut on the way back. I’m obsessed with coffee and pastries so that was nice. He did start crying on the way home though. When I got home I found the dog (our beautiful basset hound) had destroyed one of his baby books. I used to get so bad when he destroyed anything of the babies but I was just like oh well. The baby is safe, healthy and happy who cares. When I was cleaning up the living room I absentmindedly let a coffee up dangle in my hand and it poured some old coffee on the carpet and the baby’s toy keyboard. It started to go haywire. I may have broke it but it’s okay to make mistakes. I am safe to make mistakes. Oh well. It used to bother me so much about his toys and books because I’ve spent quite a bit of money on those things and I’m not working now so money feels different to me. I need to work on those scarcity feelings. Mentally I believe that scarcity is not real it’s just a mindset. If you allow yourself to dwell in or live in the scarcity mindset your bank account and life will reflect that. I had been in this terrible mindset for so long because of the financial hardships of my family growing up since our dad pretty much abandoned us and then with my ex would had lived a childhood of poverty. No money was ever enough for him. He would just blow it all. Analyzing it later I think he subconsciously felt he had to use it before it was gone. Always growing up never getting any toy or thing you want or someone telling you “this thing/item is too good for you” makes you have this endless greed or obsession for material objects . I’ve lost some many objects in my life - having to leave behind a house full of items when I left my ex. It was hard but I didn’t want to leave like that anymore and I knew there would be no amicable split. I just had to run. After I left I kept spending all my money trying to replace things. Most of the stuff I had shipped home to mom for safe keeping - turned out to be destroyed by mold and water in my mom’s basement. Like I said I’ve lost a lot of things and people obviously didn’t ever care to help me or protect my things. Eventually I had to stop buying things because nothing could really fill up whatever hole I was trying to fill. I still really don’t know what that is. There’s definitely more to it. Now I’m trying to declutter and let go of things that I don’t need, don’t fit me and also a lot of what I bought perhaps 25% was low quality goods and clothing anyway. I decided I should have less things but high quality items. I’m in the process of daily going through a draw or an area and just throwing something away. My partner really hates clutter so I think he’s really unhappy. I think this particular house is built with very little storage so it’s difficult to live here. For example I definitely need a book shelf of my own but I don’t have one and don’t know where we would put it anyways. I might just end of donating most of my books. There’s always more to do. Oh well….here’s today.

It may have been a couple of days

I’m really not sure. This what happened yesterday.….For some reason I can’t open up my Squarespace app when I was able to earlier today. I just wanted to say I don’t know if I am behind a day or not.  The days just blur together. So what’s been new the past couple of days ? Weekly summary. Drumroll please. I promise it’s not much. I’m barely alive recently. So: The trees were planted by my partner . A dogwood and a red maple. I’ve started fasting again with my goal of an average of 17 hours a day . My goal is also to drink 2 liters of water a day. I was going to do a calorie deficit this week but the stress of the baby having even worse sleep than usual. He may finally be teething. He’s 10 months old with no teeth ! But he’s been even extra fussy and not letting me put him down to get any work done. Just playtime and breastfeeding. I actually ate a lot recently. I feel like I binge ate on Wednesday or Thursday - eating an estimated 3500 calories because I was so insanely stressed and super frustrated . However, I either counteracted it with fewer calories throughout the week or the fasting did something. Perhaps I was walking more because I ended up being a few ounces less in weight at the end of week so pretty much maintenance.  I will consider this a maintenance week in general . I want to do 8 weeks of a slight deficit (like 200-400 calories) because I’m still breastfeeding but I’m not going to push it if my mental health and sleep is abysmal. As long as I maintain my weights it’s all good.  Currently I am about 5’3” and I weight 131 lbs.  My BMI is 23.2 so I’m in the healthy range ( >24.9).  I would like to lose 10 more lbs. My ultimate goal is 121 lbs. because unfortunately I lost so much muscle during this postpartum period. It’s been devastating actually. There was a time that I was 142 lbs very muscular and very lean. So I feel like I lost like 15 lbs of muscle in the past 2 years during pregnancy and postpartum, if that’s possible. It’s terrible.  But postpartum really rocked me. I think a lot of people didn’t believe I was having so much trouble but I think the muscle wasting is an absolute sign that I was truly falling apart. Whether or not people noticed or cared is not the point . Even though that really triggers me! But eventually when my son will sleep better and mostly by himself I will start to lift again.   I just try to tell myself to take each day at a time. Every day is a new day - that I am incredibly strong and I survived this time with very very little help.  For people who have had easy lovely postpartum with family or friends helping them, experience with infants or you just have a knack for it - you might not understand how I feel and may think I’m exaggerating or dramatic even. But my experience with a colicky baby who doesn’t really sleep and no help or family. It’s been one of the hardest challenges of my life and I feel like I did it all on my own.  I was literally wasting away because often times if I got him in a position where he would sleep I wouldn’t move for hours because me and the baby needed rest.  My body was just in a state of atrophy and falling apart. Hopefully my muscle will come back to me but right now I’m going to try to do the only thing I can do - is to control my calorie intake .  Right now maintenance calories for me (since I’m still breastfeeding) is around 2200-2250 calories is my estimate.  The deficit I’m going for is small so I aim to eat 2000 calories a day. This week I really did not achieve this : my average calories were 2500 but somehow I didn’t gain any weight. An additional update: I started talking to an old highschool friend. I’m in desperate need of friends and a social life since I quit working and somehow everyone I knew abandoned me - no lie . It’s so strange . I told myself I was going to stop showing up for people who don’t show up for me and wow everyone just disappeared. Oh well - it just means I need new friends . Out with the old in with the new.

Sleep Training

He’s 10 months old and his sleep really hasn’t improved since he was 4 months old. I thought he would get better over time but it’s so slow that it’s almost stagnant. I’ve considered doing sleep training but it seems like my partner disagrees. I don’t know if I could do it either but I feel like we should try. At this point my quality of life is diminishing. Something’s got to give. Why aren’t things getting better ? Why won’t he sleep? He’s not colicky really anymore. I have no idea what’s going on. It makes no sense.

I haven’t slept in 3 days

It’s constant crying or whining. It’s madness. My self-care is practically nonexistent.

Caught up

I think I am caught up with my daily posting. I’ll have to check later. I think it’s been 3 weeks and I haven’t gotten more than like 12 hours behind. I see that I’m usually falling behind when I forget to post at night and just fall asleep with the baby. So I mostly have had the post written, maybe not revised and just forgot to post it. There were probably two days that I didn’t write anything during the day and I had to catch up. I find that I’m writing just about random things that pop up in my mind while I think I was intending the blog to be more like a journal with some recording of my actions, moods, experiences for that day. So I’m going to work on that. I obviously don’t Intend it to be tremendously personal but I still want it to be more of like a snapshot of my life that I can look back at later. Speaking of that - It would be nice to add some photos. Anyways just checking in and brainstorming. Everyday is not meant to be profound . About today : my partner is having two trees delivered for the backyard. 1 dogwood and the other is a maple. I’m excited for the dogwood because I love blooming trees and the salesman’s told us it blooms after the redbud trees and that it has more color in the fall leaves than the redbud. I like this idea so I think it was a good selection. It’s funny that our backyard has a privacy fence but our house is on a slope or hill so we’re pretty sure the neighbors ca. see right in. Especially the neighbors right behind us. It makes you feel like you have absolutely no privacy. My partner also planted many flowers and some blueberry bushes in the backyard this spring/summer. My very favorite things he planted were the cone flowers which we bought specifically for me . And also the wildflowers. It was simply a packet of wildflower seeds but they had the most wonderful blooms. I love flowers and especially wildflowers. We also had some sunflowers pop up. One of which was the largest sunflower I’ve seen in my life. It truly stood taller than our roof but as the sunflower bloomed it began to droop. Sadly, in a week or two it had drooped all the way to the ground. It was glorious while it lasted and quite fun anticipating it’s eruption. I realized in my late twenties that I absolutely loved fresh flowers. I am happy that my partner has started this garden so that I might be able to learn to garden one day and fill my home with fresh flowers. I know it’s a simple thing but it truly invigorates me. Fresh flowers fill me with a bit of happiness and hope. This is very rare for me. Hopefully that rareness of happiness and hope will change for me but in my almost all of teens and twenties were filled with doom, fear, terror and despair. The cloud seemed to part a bit in my thirties - although I’ve had a bit of a rough patch for the last 4 years (since 2020). My son has brought some surely needed happiness, hope, awe, wonder, and joy into these trying postpartum and infancy moments. But here’s the happy surprises and the ease of wild blooms.

After the Trauma

I feel like my brain just jumps around all over the place. I can’t focus. Even before the baby, I couldn’t just sit down and read. Or when I tried to I would find that I read a few pages while my mind had wondered off. I had to first figure out where I thought I had left off and try again. I would just zone out if I wasn’t working or studying something that was really important to me (usually language or art related). Even when topics are interesting I have trouble focusing. I feel like the trauma broke my mind. It feels like I am less intelligent than before and more lazy. I mispronounce things. I just to have a large vast vocabulary. I think it feels like maybe what having ADHD feels like. But I’m guessing if I took medication for that it would not work because it’s not a chemical issue. It’s like parts of my brain, parts of my executive function shut down to survive. Now that I’m no longer facing a threat - I can re-activate it. I’m getting more tired and tired of this dance. Of pretending I’m okay. That I’m not permanently damaged by the past. Like one day I’ll wake up and be able to accomplish the things I want to. And yet I have to believe that. Otherwise I can’t go on.

Talent is not God

Part 2

Yes, sure people say the phrase, “God given talent” and there are some people who seem to have an inexplicable ability in a certain task. This is rare. Just because something is rare does not make it superior. It’s just unusual. In today’s world - people worship the unusual. Talent is fantastic and I am in no way belittling it or making it less profound or spiritual. However, most often what we call “talent” is actually a product of deep interest, some ability and a lot of purposeful practice or an intense (sometimes obsessive) habit of doing an activity repetitively. It usually a task a person enjoys the process of doing. It is so fun or interesting that it becomes an important activity in their life. Some people might say they enjoy basketball and play everyday but they are no good at it. So talent must be something more. Well, first off you have to have some ability. You also have to meet the basic requirements. For example 95% of people who play basketball are very tall. You might name someone who isn’t but that person might have an incredible amount of talent (which is unusual) while the majority of the rest of the players have ability, height and targeted practice. Targeted practice or goals is important. There needs to be constant examination and analysis on improving and increasing skill. Focus on skill building and improving is so important.

There is a place in the world for prodigy, talent and passion. Many people develop a skill or ability into a talent because of their passion. Therefore if you love something but you aren’t amazingly talented - through practice and time, your passion can reveal an ability in you. Like the sculptor chipping away at the store. I think talent is lovely but if you really feel moved to do something and you don’t have an amazing talent initially but have some skill - you should try to develop it and see what you might achieve. I think it’s important to be driven by passion, not innate talents alone.

You are Safe to make Mistakes / Erreurs

I had this idea when I was younger: that one should only do things that they are naturally good at. I suppose I thought it would give you the chance at being the best or in the upper echelon of individuals that did this “thing” or action. This was back when I believed that the word talent was akin to God or at least the word divinity. I believed that our talents were bestowed upon us by the Creator or by happy luck. That the thing(s) you are naturally good at - are the things you are meant to do. In short, talent was destiny. This was when I woefully wanted to be a child prodigy. In hopes my father would love me and validate my existence. Talent, or lack there of, meant everything to me. If I tried something one or two times and I wasn’t good and I mean very good - then I would give up on it. Resigned to the absolute fact it was not meant for me. How many opportunities or abilities did I abandon early on - in fear of looming failure and mistakes? I knew I had to be perfect. My father was certainly very clear about this. I recently heard someone say to themselves: “You are safe to make mistakes.” It was a simple sentence but a truly profound thing to hear. Wow. I am safe? I can make mistakes? And I’m ok? Even loved still ? Ever? These are all stirring to my subconscious - to my inner child peeking through. I wish I had known that as a child. Hell as an adult. Mistakes are okay and you don’t have to be perfect.

Part 1

Nombre seize / # 16