Bringing Things Back to Myself

I have a huge problem of making everything about everyone else. I do this for multiple reasons, some of which I am not truly aware of. Why do I do it I ask myself? Sometimes I think it’s because of low self-esteem. I don’t believe in myself so I try to invest in others. Sometimes I think it’s some altruistic need I have to help others and an urge toward community. Often I think it’s about fear. I am afraid that my ideas, talents, abilities, etc. are not good enough. Perhaps I am subconsciously pessimistic and believe I have bad luck. Maybe it’s a cop-out. It’s much easier to ride on someone else dreams and be the helper but I know I don’t truly want that. I want my own goals, dreams, successes and achievements. My commitment to this digital journal is a act of daily “bringing things back to myself “. I have to intentionally make myself the focus of my life. I have to intentionally remind myself to stop ruminating about the negative past or something/someone that’s bothering me in my present. I spend some much time on the negative. I am so often thinking about what I don’t like that I truly forget to focus on myself and my dreams. Today the baby and I went for a walk. I am still thinking about my business product and developing some marketing copy. I need to figure out if I can make the item but I came up with a name. I will finish writing all of the copy ideas in my head today. Maybe tomorrow I will set up a mock webpage or unpublished page with my copy on it or at least do this by the end of the week. I’m going to dust off my planner and see if I can get that back into a routine. I have some ideas to declutter my desk and the hallway closet today. Sometimes I feel like I’m just shuffling things around but if it improves your visual aesthetic I do believe that’s worth it. Part of not being able to get anything done is that my son still needs me by him for all naps and he hates being in anything confining. He will just have meltdowns. I know there’s people on the internet that will say I’m overindulging him but I kind of have my hands tied in many ways that I probably shouldn’t get into. I am trying my best. I want to be a good mom. Sometimes being a good mom is sort of stopping me from getting things down but oh well for right now. I am still quite sleep deprived and not thinking my best at all. As I said I’m doing the best with the resources and abilities I have. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe things will get better. I’m also using my reminders in my phone and I think that’s helping. I bought some planners specifically for grocery and meal planning as well as cleaning. I’m fairly sure that I don’t have ADHD, however, because I think I have PTSD plus “mommy brain” I realized lately that having planners, reminders, apps etc. is the only way that I can get anything done. I thought I could “wing it” and 9 months in - failing on a daily basis - I realized I definitely cannot. I realized that’s okay. Why do I feel like “winging it” is some kind of accomplishment ? In reality, probably the most successful people in the world are not “winging it” at all but have meticulous plans. I want to be more conscientious to and with MYSELF and my life instead of this brainwashing of only caring about things when it’s employment or academic related. My life matters, what I want matters, and showing up for myself and my dreams requires a syllabus or curriculum if you will. I’m learning how to develop that for myself and examining what that really means. Returning to myself is important and NOT engaging in self sabotaging actions like distracting myself, dissociating, ruminating, burying myself in others or maladaptive daydreaming. Being in the here and now - checking in multiple times a day - is important and necessary for me. Why is this so difficult for me? Probably because of having a narcissist parent and being groomed as a child into an extremely abusive relationship. Was that fair that this happened to me ? No, but it is what it is. It is the reality. Those are the things that have damaged me and set me back in life from self actualization, happiness, personal achievement and some basic life skills for healthy self regulation. That’s fine. That was the reality of my past and now I can change my reality because I am in control. I am not hiding from it and burying the pain. I am not going to feel shame. I am going to dedicate myself to strategies that will help me overcome these challenges, not worrying about who is the blame and why or how if only I had escaped sooner I would have a different life. You start where you start. I am 40. I could be starting this at 60. I just saw a video with a 60 year old man, who was a performer oversees. He looked so young and had so much energy. You could not discern his age truly. Two words he says he never uses is “age” and “job”. I love that and want to adopt that because those are two big issues for me. I don’t need to be defined by or worried about my age. Everyone’s life and lessons are unique. Success at a young age is not necessarily good. I have to believe that things will come to me in the time that is best by the grace of the Creator, who loves me completely and who is and has always been there for me. I am loved and supported by God. I need to stop worrying about everything and everyone else. There is so much joy and possibility in the world. I need to see that with laser clarity, not the ways in which others and myself have let me down. I love myself and the I love my son. I love the world. I am improving and growing. Everything is all good.