Dealing with Resentment
Dealing with resentment and anger is really hard for me. I constantly feel so let down by others. This is where my resentment stems from. I don’t feel cared for or helped by others. I was thinking that the only thing I can do is simply let it go. Holding onto it doesn’t punish the other person because honestly they either don’t care or they are so selfish and unaware that explaining it to them would be exhausting and a further insult. I just have to let expectation die. It’s frustrating because if I let my expectation about a person die than it also kills them in my mind and heart a bit. That’s just how I am. I feel like I cannot love them the same way if I have to kill my expectations of them, especially involving their character or their level of love of me. When my father abandoned my family when I was a child, I quickly decided that he was dead to me. Of course no one is perfect and I’m not doing this over “you forgot to take your laundry out of the drier” or “you didn’t invite me to your Fourth of July plans”. It’s usually about much more serious and pervasive behavior. My last therapist asked me if I was expecting everyone to be me? Meaning am I holding everyone to my own level of character, kindness, thoughtfulness, ability etc. I said yes I was. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that. She said some people may not be functioning as high or be able to do the things you are doing. Since I’m no great achiever in life - that never occurred to me at all. But nevertheless that doesn’t mean there aren’t people functioning lower than I am. For example my sister has ADHD. She would probably hate to be brought up like this but ADHD often affects executive functioning but in her case I’m sure she would say she functions much better than me. So I would ask then why has the relationship seemed so one-sided so often ? My answer would be - where it’s always been - I think it’s willful neglect. That she like others really don’t want to help me, especially if it’s inconvenient for them. Besides a select few, I feel I am surrounded by “fair weather” people. Everyone these days are so self obsessed and don’t have any concept of true community. I only know a few people with a great sense of community and kindness and often I go back to my experiences in the indigenous community. Perhaps there is something beautiful in these own relationships here and now that I am missing. I will examine them harder to see what it could be. Perhaps I am contributing to this abandoned in some way as it seems to be pervasive in my life.
Resentment can rob you of the here and now so I choose to just think of what’s going well for me and think about the positive things I want in the future for myself and my son. I will let the versions of people die in my head as I vow to see the truth. I have a bad habit of filling in the spaces in others to make them whole in my mind like I did when I was younger for my narcissistic father. Sadly, this only causes more disappointment when the reality crashes up against the image of them that I have created in my mind. I am actively trying to do more things for myself and my son. I want to get out of the house and create more memories. I have a horrible habit of neglecting myself and what I truly want in this life. I spend too much time bitter and focusing on the things that didn’t work out and the people who let me down. I think the key is to keep doing things, trying new things instead being stuck on freeze or dwelling in the negative past. For the rest of the month I want to continue my blogging experiment, keep taking the baby to the park in the mornings, keep decluttering, improving my mindset and working on my fitness journey.
