Wavering

I waver between feeling like my world is falling apart and beautiful joyous moments with my son. I sometimes relish in the simple act of completing a task through in one sitting or taking the baby on an errand without the baby having a complete meltdown. These days have been so challenging but he really is a beautiful joyful lovely child. Today I took him to the park in the morning while it was still cool and he loved it. Somehow he didn’t cry on the way to (5 minutes drive) and I timed it so that by the time we got back to the car he was 10 minutes away from his nap. Napper app estimate which by the way doesn’t really work well for my baby but I use it as a broad guideline. But the park was lovely. We were able to get some fresh air, it was cool, I got some steps in. I also got myself a cup of coffee, a breakfast sandwich, and a donut on the way back. I’m obsessed with coffee and pastries so that was nice. He did start crying on the way home though. When I got home I found the dog (our beautiful basset hound) had destroyed one of his baby books. I used to get so bad when he destroyed anything of the babies but I was just like oh well. The baby is safe, healthy and happy who cares. When I was cleaning up the living room I absentmindedly let a coffee up dangle in my hand and it poured some old coffee on the carpet and the baby’s toy keyboard. It started to go haywire. I may have broke it but it’s okay to make mistakes. I am safe to make mistakes. Oh well. It used to bother me so much about his toys and books because I’ve spent quite a bit of money on those things and I’m not working now so money feels different to me. I need to work on those scarcity feelings. Mentally I believe that scarcity is not real it’s just a mindset. If you allow yourself to dwell in or live in the scarcity mindset your bank account and life will reflect that. I had been in this terrible mindset for so long because of the financial hardships of my family growing up since our dad pretty much abandoned us and then with my ex would had lived a childhood of poverty. No money was ever enough for him. He would just blow it all. Analyzing it later I think he subconsciously felt he had to use it before it was gone. Always growing up never getting any toy or thing you want or someone telling you “this thing/item is too good for you” makes you have this endless greed or obsession for material objects . I’ve lost some many objects in my life - having to leave behind a house full of items when I left my ex. It was hard but I didn’t want to leave like that anymore and I knew there would be no amicable split. I just had to run. After I left I kept spending all my money trying to replace things. Most of the stuff I had shipped home to mom for safe keeping - turned out to be destroyed by mold and water in my mom’s basement. Like I said I’ve lost a lot of things and people obviously didn’t ever care to help me or protect my things. Eventually I had to stop buying things because nothing could really fill up whatever hole I was trying to fill. I still really don’t know what that is. There’s definitely more to it. Now I’m trying to declutter and let go of things that I don’t need, don’t fit me and also a lot of what I bought perhaps 25% was low quality goods and clothing anyway. I decided I should have less things but high quality items. I’m in the process of daily going through a draw or an area and just throwing something away. My partner really hates clutter so I think he’s really unhappy. I think this particular house is built with very little storage so it’s difficult to live here. For example I definitely need a book shelf of my own but I don’t have one and don’t know where we would put it anyways. I might just end of donating most of my books. There’s always more to do. Oh well….here’s today.