It may have been a couple of days

I’m really not sure. This what happened yesterday.….For some reason I can’t open up my Squarespace app when I was able to earlier today. I just wanted to say I don’t know if I am behind a day or not.  The days just blur together. So what’s been new the past couple of days ? Weekly summary. Drumroll please. I promise it’s not much. I’m barely alive recently. So: The trees were planted by my partner . A dogwood and a red maple. I’ve started fasting again with my goal of an average of 17 hours a day . My goal is also to drink 2 liters of water a day. I was going to do a calorie deficit this week but the stress of the baby having even worse sleep than usual. He may finally be teething. He’s 10 months old with no teeth ! But he’s been even extra fussy and not letting me put him down to get any work done. Just playtime and breastfeeding. I actually ate a lot recently. I feel like I binge ate on Wednesday or Thursday - eating an estimated 3500 calories because I was so insanely stressed and super frustrated . However, I either counteracted it with fewer calories throughout the week or the fasting did something. Perhaps I was walking more because I ended up being a few ounces less in weight at the end of week so pretty much maintenance.  I will consider this a maintenance week in general . I want to do 8 weeks of a slight deficit (like 200-400 calories) because I’m still breastfeeding but I’m not going to push it if my mental health and sleep is abysmal. As long as I maintain my weights it’s all good.  Currently I am about 5’3” and I weight 131 lbs.  My BMI is 23.2 so I’m in the healthy range ( >24.9).  I would like to lose 10 more lbs. My ultimate goal is 121 lbs. because unfortunately I lost so much muscle during this postpartum period. It’s been devastating actually. There was a time that I was 142 lbs very muscular and very lean. So I feel like I lost like 15 lbs of muscle in the past 2 years during pregnancy and postpartum, if that’s possible. It’s terrible.  But postpartum really rocked me. I think a lot of people didn’t believe I was having so much trouble but I think the muscle wasting is an absolute sign that I was truly falling apart. Whether or not people noticed or cared is not the point . Even though that really triggers me! But eventually when my son will sleep better and mostly by himself I will start to lift again.   I just try to tell myself to take each day at a time. Every day is a new day - that I am incredibly strong and I survived this time with very very little help.  For people who have had easy lovely postpartum with family or friends helping them, experience with infants or you just have a knack for it - you might not understand how I feel and may think I’m exaggerating or dramatic even. But my experience with a colicky baby who doesn’t really sleep and no help or family. It’s been one of the hardest challenges of my life and I feel like I did it all on my own.  I was literally wasting away because often times if I got him in a position where he would sleep I wouldn’t move for hours because me and the baby needed rest.  My body was just in a state of atrophy and falling apart. Hopefully my muscle will come back to me but right now I’m going to try to do the only thing I can do - is to control my calorie intake .  Right now maintenance calories for me (since I’m still breastfeeding) is around 2200-2250 calories is my estimate.  The deficit I’m going for is small so I aim to eat 2000 calories a day. This week I really did not achieve this : my average calories were 2500 but somehow I didn’t gain any weight. An additional update: I started talking to an old highschool friend. I’m in desperate need of friends and a social life since I quit working and somehow everyone I knew abandoned me - no lie . It’s so strange . I told myself I was going to stop showing up for people who don’t show up for me and wow everyone just disappeared. Oh well - it just means I need new friends . Out with the old in with the new.