Processing Strong Negative Emotions

.I often feel a lot of anger and strong negative emotions. My anxiety makes me feel super irritable. When I had PTSD symptoms - triggers would make me feel like I had to fight for my life and I would feel very angry as well. Hatred and resentment. I feel like it just builds for me and I can’t seem to ever get over it. Journaling about it or talking to a therapist is really the only two things that have helped me. Confronting the person usually doesn’t help me because the conflict I have is usually with a person that has an Avoidant personality disorder or a narcissist. Talking to other people about it (who are not licensed therapists) usually doesn’t help and often strains your friendship or relationship with them. They just see you as a complainer or someone who is obsessed or even delusional. Most people and even some therapist - are not well equipped to help you work through these issues so I wouldn’t even try it. I also have had some benefit with online courses specifically about emotional eating and personal accountability which surprisingly did help. I never completed the one about depression that I tried so I don’t know if that would have been helpful or not. Sadly, I think the world is full of people with personality disorders or I just attract narcissistic people because I’m an odd mix of strong person but low self esteem. Either way - two years ago I finally started to isolate myself from everyone as I realized I was constantly putting more into relationships, friendships, family than I felt I was getting back. I took the time to step back and realized that almost everyone that I loved has failed me in one way or another. It’s hard to accept that. It threw me into a deep depression and then I got pregnant - on purpose it was planned but I didn’t realize how much I needed to work through. I was in therapy when I found out I was pregnant. I stopped going because my first therapist was actually really horrible. Second therapist I got after the baby and she was great but I was so overwhelmed and still am - by the baby that I had to stop for a while . Maybe I can start back up one of these days . I still feel a lot intense emotions, anxiety, and anger / rage but it makes sense since everyone has failed me and not been there for me. I feel like strangers have been nicer to me than people I was close to. It’s so odd.

Overwhelmed and Underwater

I didn’t realize how bad at adulting, organizing and cleaning I was until I had a baby. I’m seriously wondering if I have ADD or ADHD. For the past decade, maybe two I think I’ve just been high functioning with serious depression. Maybe that’s it and adding the stress of taking care of an infant with no family support - just cracked open all the inadequacies I had with just daily living. I always wondered why I seem to never really achieve anything (apart from fitness and achieving my dream body from age 30-34.) I had a separation, moved states, changed jobs, had crazy hours and I lost my dream physique but, in general, I couldn’t seem to achieve any of my job/career dreams. I was always treading water and in survival mode in that abusive relationship but once I left him I seemed to hit my stride for a few years. I was happy for the first time in my adult and adolescent years. I was happy to be away from my terrorist abusive ex. I was in a new relationship. However, only 3 years later, after I seem to keep taking hit after hit and it all colliding with 2020 Covid- I sunk into a deep depression. I no longer had my dream body. I became overweight by 10-15 lbs and kept losing and gaining that weight for the next 3 years. I abandoned a career path that I thought was what I should do although I knew it wasn’t what I wanted. I tried very hard but in the end it wasn’t meant to be. I was forced to be honest with myself and pursue what I truly wanted. And while that might sound really good on the outside - it’s terrifying. It’s terrifying because I had been dodging my dreams since I was 22 years old. As usual I had some bad experiences and an abusive partner who discouraged me to pursue my dreams of an artistic career. I gave it all up because I never believed in myself anyways . Then the professional degree I wanted to pursue- I was told by several people to NOT pursue it. I felt lost and discouraged. By then I was isolated by my abuser and the years flew by. I tried to write but never had to energy, ability, focus, self esteem to finish anything. I wish I had taken a different path after college. I wish I would have moved to Chicago with my best friend and even if I had failed I would have least been able to say I tried. Perhaps it would have led me down a truer alternative path. Analysis paralysis and freeze mode (from the abuse) kept me stuck in the wrong place for a decade. But I didn’t start finding my way back as soon as I got back home either. I am still healing and growing . As I said before - peeling back the layers of abuse. It’s been hard. Having a baby has been such a steep challenge for me. Motherhood has been revealing so many issues that I can work on - to become who I truly want to be. The best most evolved version of myself. I thank my son for that - because of him I am starting to feel more and more invincible. Like my friend just said to me - “Don’t you know you’re a woman - you can do anything ! “ Although I feel weak now and times are so hard for me, I know when I make it through this dark tunnel - I will be even stronger. I will love myself more and be so proud of all I have overcome. I hope one day I will inspire my son - that he will look up to me and know he is strong and brave and invincible too.

Jour Quatorze.

Boring Work / Meal Planning go

Yesterday I was busy starting the process of developing a system for meal planning and grocery shopping & delivery. I’m tired of buying groceries only to find that I just bought a lot of snacks and sides. It’s difficult to operate within my current restraints. I have a 10 month old that is definitely a breastfed Velcro baby who either is clinging to me or wants me watching him or he’s running around (yes, running ) getting into things that are dangerous or dirty. He’s currently obsessed with dog bones and antlers - to my intense frustration. In addition, my partner is a picky eater and will only eat healthy foods. He doesn’t eat anything frozen meal type, he seems to not eat leftovers anymore, he’ll only eat one. brand of lunch meat (Boars-head) and only meats from a butcher/deli, and he’ll only eat produce from a specific store as well. We don’t eat pork anymore. He only eats a few snacks like hummus yogurt cottage cheese and Cliff bars. It’s just not a situation similar to my household growing up. Since I’m barely surviving and so overwhelmed- I’ll eat just about anything. So yesterday I spent the day formulating a plan to organize meals and prepare on Sundays for the weeks meals so I can have a grocery list that reflects meals - not snacks. I just accepted that as a SAHM that I will pretty much be running a restaurant. After I implement the system I need to figure out how to freeze meals properly. I’d like to have some homemade frozen meals prepared for when I have the second baby or maybe we will do another meal service thing. We did a meal service during month 2 and 3 of the current baby. We did Green Chef which I really liked. We had it on and off before the baby while I was still doing school and work. The problem is that I relied upon this service and never really established a system or routine without it. So that’s the update - why I didn’t post yesterday. I will be posting twice today.

Jour Treize.

Beautiful Morning / Belle Matinee

I woke up this morning with the breeze blowing in the window . It’s 55 degrees and just me and my little son. He woke up smiling as he usually does. We cuddled and he breastfed. It was such a beautiful moment, a beautiful morning. I love weather like this. I love my beautiful little boy. It’s such a blessing to have him and feel the love I have for him and the love he has for me. I hope he grows up to be a good man, that is kind to women and his children. Someone who is honorable and moral. Someone who doesn’t bring pain, violence, abuse, and despair into the world. A lot of men are cruel violent, abusive, and callous. I hope better for him. He’s such an angel now of course . I also hope that he is emotionally intelligent and doesn’t think that caring for his own children is only women’s work. It seems like a woman’s job is 24/7 and a man’s job is 9 - 5 plus yard work with weekend’s off. I hope he helps his future wife and is an active contributing partner and parent. That he doesn’t get up on the weekends and immediately start doing whatever he wants like watching videos on the internet or playing video games - instead he feeds the baby or changes his diaper - plays with him, gives him a bath, takes a walk with him, holds him without being asked or asking his wife is there something I could take off your plate today since it’s the weekend. It’s lame that most men wouldn’t even consider to ask their wife that - they just assume everything is her responsibility, all the time. I mean you wanted a baby right? A man that leans into responsibility and hard work. A man that wants to solve your problems. A man that wants to be of service. Not just someone that wants to lead and be a know-it-all when things are easy. A fair weather man that likes you when there are no problems. Masculine men want to be needed, to help you, to give you comfort and fix your problems. They aren’t bothered and overwhelmed by you. They want to help you and try calm you. They don’t ask you what’s wrong only to do nothing to help you. Unfortunately, there are so few men like this. An older woman said to me a couple of days ago: “I don’t wait on a man to do anything because it won’t get done. Don’t you know you’re a woman - you can do anything? Men are just sperm donors.” She said it with a sense of pride, a knowing of the greatness of women, a superiority of ability and perseverance, a hardiness of character or nature rather. I was kind of shocked. I don’t know if that’s true but I do know that they don’t seem to WANT to be or do much else.

Jour Douze.

Isolation / Isolement

I feel so isolated in life right now. My family lives an hour away and unfortunately that might as well be a state away. I never see them unless I make the effort to drive 2 hours that day. It’s summer and it’s hot. My Honda seems to only cool the front seat and my baby still doesn’t really like car rides. I have been missing a sense of community which I felt when I was in a relationship with an indigenous person. Now that relationship was horrible - there’s no refuting that but my experience with the indigenous community was wonderful. That was the worst relationship and probably all around worst decision of my life but I think the beauty of the indigenous community kept me afloat in that situation for a long time. Up until I couldn’t handle the abuse and toxic environment for one more day, one more minute - so I ran. My heart breaks for the loss of that community. Since I’m not indigenous. There were rumors of it in my family but I had a DNA test and it proved to be very minimal. The possibility of being indigenous was not a major or even minor part of my identity - so no wound but more like a hole. It’s very disappointing because I loved that community so much and still do. I find myself watching any show or movie with indigenous people these days - just to get a glimmer of what I felt back then. I’m so happy to see so much more indigenous created shows, movies and creative content. I’m now isolated in the Midwest - a newly stay at home mom with a baby. He’s almost 10 months old and the days are long and hard. He doesn’t sleep well for naps or at night. It’s certainly better than his colic days which lasted for 4 months but it’s still really difficult and I have no help or real relief. It’s 99% me. I know it should have been obvious but I have no time to relax or unwind except for the 4-6 hours he sleeps at night; often in my arms on the couch. I find myself staying up late watching shows when I know I should be sleeping but either the anxiety of the day or my need for connection, community, art, culture and ethnic diversity just spills over in me and I have to watch something. It seems like my only connection to the outside world. My partner works from home and mostly talks about his software engineering projects or weight lifting. I miss working. I miss having even my work friends which I didn’t even feel the greatest connection to. I am a very social person so yes my son is an absolute joy. All day I annoyingly and randomly remark out loud about how cute, beautiful or adorable he is. But of course people are multifaceted so there are some parts of me that are unfulfilled. I love connecting with other people. I love sharing experiences with one another, learning, expressing, growing and evolving as people. My partner reminds me that this is just a short season in my life. Perhaps only 5 years where I will be in this situation. I have been paying attention to the beautiful moments. I am deeply enjoying cuddling and holding my son, breastfeeding and playing peekaboo, watching him in wonder as he is taking his first steps. I love his cute laughs and smiles, his baby talks, his looks of surprise, wonder and joy; even his labored breathing as he struggles to find me under a peekaboo blanket. Yes even his breathing makes me laugh, makes me feel joy. I am overall very happy. There are just moments where I deeply feel the isolation and the emptiness of our modern lives. We used to live in communities, in sometimes almost communal spaces where every day you cooked, cleaned, hunted, fished, gardened with your immediate and extended family, your elders, your ancestors, your neighbors, your friends. Pow Wows gave me that feeling. I remember thinking this is real life. I went to my first ever Pow Wow when I was 20 years old. I couldn’t put my finger on it then but it was amazing - for so many reasons: the dancing, the music, the regalia, the adorable babies, fry bread, meat pies, charburgers and Dr.Pepper but mostly the community. Mostly a place to be free as an indigenous person and I, as a minority, where the sort of oppressive insistence on white and Western European standards and beliefs would slowly slip away as each day of the Pow Wow unfolded. And sadly, the ache of the days after the Pow Wow as you sunk back into a mostly whitewashed and modern world. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being white . But when you’re clearly visibly not white - you don’t fit in and feeling like an other all the time in your thoughts, actions, beliefs can be challenging and exhausting. The fatigue of navigating a white world when you are not white. That’s all. I loved my Pow Wow days and lived for them each year. I wish I would have participated in more things when I was there but I always felt delicate about being “married” in and not of the blood. I never wanted to overstep. I haven’t been to a Pow Wow in 7 years and that makes me sad. Maybe one day I’ll find my way back to one. Maybe one day I’ll find a community of my own and this isolation will die in me for good.

Jour Ounze.

Feeling Behind In Life

Firstly, everyone has different opinions, standards, perspectives, even situations in life where the timeline for your life needs to be different. Maybe things need to happen sooner or you just lucked out and they did. In general, I hate the importance placed on outward success in your 20’s. I think that is not achieved by most people yet we all think we are supposed to have it. Most people in their twenties either aren’t concerned at all with this or are obsessed with it and use it as a barometer for their whole life . Researchers have discovered that puberty and adolescence is really a lot longer than we thought spanning from as young as age 9 to age 28 or 29. It takes that long for your brain to fully develop. It takes a woman 10 years after her first menstrual cycle for her reproductive system to fully develop - until the age of 19 -26 (depending on the woman). Another reason why not to start your teenage daughter on birth control unless she really is at high risk for pregnancy. Studies are finding it takes humans a lot longer to develop and mature than we had originally thought. In addition life expectancy is a lot longer and our children are dong much better so there’s no reason to have 6 to 10 children anymore unless that’s what you want to do. I personally think your 20’s should be a time of adult exploration and self discovery. A time for you to figure out what you do and don’t like, want to do with your life, and if you’re lucky - travel. Personally I wouldn’t have kids or get married before 30 unless you absolutely knew you had the right partner, knew yourself really well or you knew that you had a medical necessity to - (women of a certain blood type have lower egg viability in their 30’s). I think the pressure to perform and have a great career in your 20’s is unrealistic for most people. I detest those 30 under 30 lists. What did you really know about yourself under the age of 30? Now that I have entered my 40’s - I know so much more about myself and what I want. Yes I still make mistakes but I actually do feel a lot wiser and kinder. My 20’s were full of experiences but mostly not the experiences I thought I would have or wanted to have and it was filled with a lot of undue heartbreak, pain, fear and terror. I have a lot of regrets for my 20’s, even in my 30’s I feel like I wasted too much time. To my 40’s - I think they will be my best decade yet. Bottom line: everyone’s life is so different and everyone is so unique there is no way you are behind. Do not compare yourself to others. You may not have to Sam’s resources or support - it’s not always about talent, skill, hard work, discipline or focus . Sometimes you are doing the best you can with the tools you have been given. Give yourself a bit of a break. It’s not a competition or comparison. It took me until I was in my late 30’s to realize life is really not a competition even though everyone is selling you this idea. I repeat : It’s not a competition. Do what makes you happy. Learn about yourself. Love yourself as much as possible. Be kind to others. Try to do as little harm as possible. That’s about it. Who cares who is first ? They may not be happy. They may not be kind or good. They may have trampled on people to get where they are at. They may have had way more support resources help and love than you . They may hate what they are doing. You never know what others are going through, what they feel, what their true wants and desires are. Maybe they had no talent, no help and just worked a lot harder than you. But maybe they were miserable in the end or maybe they did it because of childhood trauma or having no self esteem or love. So in that - just do what you love and if it turns out good: Good. If it doesn’t - it’s all good because you are loving what you do, loving the journey.

Jour Dix.

Construire / Building yourself back up from despair

A lot of my troubles in life has been not only low self esteem and fear but not being able to recover well from set backs . Sometimes investing too wholeheartedly in an idea, a dream, a person being one way and not accepting reality. I’ve been guilty of being loyal a person or married to an idea and not knowing how to move on; cut my losses. Sunken cost fallacy almost straight up ruined my life. But also not knowing how to adapt, to pivot something bad into something good - along the same path. My life has been missing this alchemy. I often think that I abandon any other methods of making a dream come true besides my initial plan . Right now I am in my time of pivot. Things are not going as planned. The universe has revealed some hard truths to me in this past year. It was served up on a platter or much like a bucket of lemons. The Universe has delivered and said, nonchalantly: “What are you gonna do with it?” And I’ve had this meal many times: Lemons for dinner but something feels different this time. I think I understand now that I have the choice to do something with it. To make it mine . To make the best of it . To see the good in it. To choose how I react. And wonderfully: prepare. I have the time to prepare. I have about 5 -8 years to transform myself and my life into the way I want it to be. The curtain was pulled open. I saw the great and terrible Oz and saw it was just a little man with glasses. Nothing special. Certainly not a god, and definitely not better than me. There is no one here to worship. I realized I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I do not have to be loyal to people who are not to me. I do not have to show up for people who not show up completely for me. I do not have to love a single person more than myself( and my baby). Besides my child, the love for myself is the only true and unconditional love and support I may ever receive. In the future, I want to know myself as the ultimate alchemist. I want to own and deliver the ability to turn every situation every happenstance into a gift from the Universe. I will turn it all right into gold because that’s what I know and believe that I truly deserve. Because I love and value myself and others. Building up myself and my dreams is the most valuable contribution to myself and the world - regardless of how trivial a dream may seem. Loving myself is important. If God has placed a dream in my heart - it is indeed meaningful and worthwhile. I do not need to see the whole picture to understand the purpose. I just need to have faith in the Creator. I am important and valuable. I don’t need another person to show me that. Often times othdt attempts to show love in my life have been horrible failures. Perhaps because it was reflecting the lack of love, acceptance and value I placed in myself. I understand that I don’t owe anyone anything especially what they are not giving me. (It’s a trick to show up 100% for someone just because they are family or because they “say” they love you or claim that they are loyal. At the end of the day you truly never know if they have been or will be loyal. Loyalty does not mean you should sacrifice your standards, your wellness, emotional needs, beliefs etc. if someone is not showing up for you or proving with ACTIONS not just words that they care for you. That’s all you need to know. Loyal or not. If you seemingly have to fight or throw a fit for your basic needs to be considered or even acknowledged. Something is wrong. You shouldn’t be an “Oh yeah. I forgot” or “I didn’t realize or I didn’t know.” That’s lame. It’s no longer an acceptable excuse. Yes, no one is a mind reader but some things are obvious needs. I know when you last ate and how your sleep was etc. but you don’t know when or if I’ve eaten. Instead of “it’s not giving” - I think - It’s not reciprocating.) No one will truly protect, love, and care for me but myself -that’s all there ish. At least until someone comes along and proves me wrong. I could be sad about it for another decade or until I die. Or I could get strong. Build myself and dreams. Follow my heart. Take advantage of the gifts I have here and now. Love myself. Throw everything off the table of my well designed pity party. Love myself wildly. Wildly. Truly. Not sarcastically. Not in spite of. Not in desperation but truly love myself Wildly. Madly. Because I want to, because I adore and cherish myself. Because I see so vividly the beauty in myself and others - that I have no choice but to be lifted up in love for myself and this beautiful universe that the Creator has given, had made. The wonder the awe. I keep coming back to this. Let us love ourselves wildly, passionately, madly . Then see what the Universe has to say about that; the balls in her court now.

Jour Neuf.

Exhaustion / Epuisement

The sleep deprivation is getting to me. Every nap is a fight with my little one. All day I’ve been so moody. I am so frustrated and dead tired. My inner dialogue is terrible to myself. I think of the things I wanted to become in life and how I never really succeeded at them. It wasn’t a lot that I wanted. It just didn’t work out. I wasted a lot of time in self doubt and being terrorized by another person and in general being terrorized by fear and low self esteem. What can I do now ? I don’t know . Love myself and my baby as much and as hard as possible . Forgive myself . Hold him tight and laugh and smile and be happy . Every morning, even though he cries through the night and I feel like I’m having the worst time ever as he wakes up every hour after midnight screaming - he wakes up and looks at me in the morning with the sweetest happiest smile . He is so happy to be alive, to be here, to see me! The worst part of myself says - that won’t last long - he doesn’t know you. How much of a failure you . How you’re really actually a loser. The best part of me is filled with joy to see him smile and I enjoy the moments with him. In the moment he makes me forget all the bad things in the past, all my shortcomings- he’s shinning and glorious and beautiful and golden. I love him and love his joy and wonder and awe. He spent the last twenty minutes before bedtime running around the couch with his wobbly reckless steps giggling screaming laughing playing some game with me - I’m not sure what I was doing but he loved it. He was having the time of his life. We don’t think he’s every laughed so hard . He laughs and his whole body is shaking , his mouth wide and grinning , his little tiny hands curled in joyful excited fists - the ceiling reverberating. The world and the past set right. All things funneling turning tumbling perfectly into the now - swelling inside the laughter of a tiny baby boy. Perhaps everything happened for a reason, the good the bad the ugly the really really bad the hideous the mundane the heartbreakingness of things the tragedies the pain the small victories the beautiful man you once loved and cried because you wanted to pass him by but you couldn’t - so you took the risk and here we are. This. The laughing wobbly joyful goregeous sleep hating little boy. But he is wonder and he is awe. He is delight . Maybe my first in all my life . It’s late and I can’t remember . But his smile his laughter his joy - I’ll never forget.

Jour Huit.

Surgeon General says Parental Stress is a public health concern

Since I have an almost 10 month old I wanted to weigh in on this topic. I definitely agree that parental stress is a major issue in my life. I was lucky that I got 8 weeks of paid maternity leave and my partner also got 8 weeks of paid paternal leave. I also got an additional 4 weeks of unpaid FMLA leave which they called “baby bonding “. Unfortunately I attempted to work part time after that but it was too stressful for my bsby snd I . My son really didn’t enjoying switching to being bottle fed on the days that I went to work and I honestly couldn’t pump enough to switch over entirely to bottle feeding . I decided to quit and become a full time stay at home mom. Luckily my partner has a fairly good job, we had made conservative spending decisions . We both have used cars which are fully paid off, and we live in a neighborhood and house which isn’t our favorite but the mortgage is low and the property taxes are too. The area is safe, pleasant enough and close to at least one family member. However, as I’m sure I previously mentioned - both my partner and I’ s - mothers live between 1-2.5 hours away . This has been a major stressor for me as it has placed almost all of the childcare on me with no reprieve from any other female relative . I felt so isolated and hopeless in the early months because my son was colicky. He also had a lot of trouble sleeping - which he still has - so I was massively sleep deprived. Once I got him go exclusively breastfeed - he had terrible trouble with gas and stomach pain from formulas - he really didn’t want to take a bottle so that meant all the nights were my responsibility. The stress was so extreme. I had postpartum depression and went to my doctor and several other practitioners for help. They really only want to prescribe me an antidepressant but since I was still breastfeeding I refused. I decided to do talk therapy online with Better Help which wasn’t covered by my insurance but I could use my HSA. I did that for two months . My postpartum depression continued until 7 months which one night I considered seriously hurting myself. I was going to wake up my husband or call my mom. It was the middle of the night. I thought surely my son is better off without me. What if I hurt him or myself ? I am so tired and deranged and angry. I just wasn’t getting enough rest and dropping so much weight. My mind felt like it was falling apart. I prayed to God and I promised if I made it through the night and my baby was fine in the morning - things would be different. I decided they had to be because he needed me and no one in the world might be able to care for him as best as I could. If I took my life than I would be putting him at risk of never having a mother or having someone worse than me. It’s very dramatic but if you have had postpartum depression it is a common thought to think you are a horrible failure and your child is better off without you. This is often very far from the truth but sleep deprivation and parental stress can be so extreme especially when you have no extended family to help you. I have been through a major amount of stress is my life and by far I put parental postpartum stress right up at the top along with being in a severely abusive relationship. The difference between the two of course - one was planned for a deeply wanted and loved (my child) and the other was a horrible unwanted experience (abuse). Both felt like life threatening experiences at times. I know I needed much more help and support postpartum that I didn’t get. I even sought help which is difficult to do and all they wanted to do was give me pills. I hated that . Thanks for nothing.

Jour Sept.

Showing up for Yourself

Showing up for myself has been one of the hardest challenges in my life. I think it stems from an overall lack of self esteem and belief in myself - that I am worthy of attention, love, success etc. I’ve always been more keen in cultivating others success or helping /talking through other people’s issues. I invest a lot in others and when people don’t reciprocate I am very sad and angry. It was the end of 2022 when I decided that I was gonna no longer invest in other people who are not interested in helping me, investing in me, reciprocating in me. I was really surprised to discover that there really wasn’t a single person in my life that was willing to do much for me - except my partner and surprisingly his stepmom. I really felt abandoned by other people. As result I started to isolate myself. I was really unsure of how others felt about me. It seemed that no one really cared about me in my family. However, what might be more true is that most of my family is often struggling worse than I am. That is more the reality. It motivates myself to make sure that I am healthy and strong in a good place emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially. Otherwise if you are not - you are never in a position to help those you love. I am surprised, as a once self professed misanthrope - how much community matters to me. How much helping those around me deeply matters to me. I think that there are many things that surprise people about me if they knew. I am very outgoing, extroverted, opinionated and often critical of others. It’s simply by personality partly programmed but mostly me. People are surprised to realize that I struggle with low self esteem. That’s because it was a symptom of my environment (narcissistic father) and abusive relationship. It’s not who I truly am but I was programmed to be critical of myself mostly but others, to hate myself to judge myself to judge myself against others and their abilities because I had to be the best “otherwise don’t even try “ (thanks dad) competition comparing fighting to prove your worth, shamed by basic mistakes . All of that and more was learned programmed sometimes beat into me. But what shines through in me - after years of self hatred , suicidal ideation, judgement of others, hatred of others, gossip etc - is that I love life and I love people. Often my criticism is based off of people not recognizing their own value and worth - something that has plagued me my whole life - so I deeply hate to see it in others. Those things that you do to yourself - reflected back to you. I am actually kind and loving and I am feeling that coming back to me now that I have stepped into my season of motherhood. When you become a mother, you see how everyone was once an innocent beautiful child - everyone has a mother that aches for them. How dare anyone hurt another woman’s child? I felt it deeply when I saw photos of the women brutalized on Oct. 7th and paraded around. I was 9 months pregnant. When I saw the women and children destroyed by this incessant need for antisemitism- it spiraling out to take the lives of the most innocent: children. I hated war then when before I saw it as a necessary evil. One must think and understand, to truly understand the ache of the mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, sisters, brothers, children - who just want their children, their mothers, their fathers, siblings back. Those who love war will destroy the earth - when simply releasing hostages will stop the deaths and they instead holding on. I’m not intending to be political nor religious just logical.

I am learning to love myself - to put myself first - otherwise I will not have happiness and it will affect my abilities as a mother as a partner a daughter a sister an aunt. It also sends mixed messages to your children. I am keeping my promises to myself this year. The true beginning of my life - being a mother has changed me. There have been so many darks hours, days, weeks, months - as postpartum has been the hardest days of my life (besides the abuse) but I do believe that it’s the struggle that changes you - tears you down to build you back up. I feel as the Phoenix - having a child rocked me in so many ways- changed my body and my life completely and I am slowly building my way back up - brick by brick and relearning how to do things in this new world. Motherhood is a brave new world - filled with new challenges. As soon as you overcome one, two more emerge but that’s what keeps life interesting. What can you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight? (Fight Club is one of my all time favorite movies.) But really, it’s true . Mais vraiment, c’est vrai. If you know you know. Sometimes I wish it wouldn’t have taken me 40 years to discover things but I was dragging my feet. Becoming a mother and a wife was my biggest fear - changes to my body, pain, potential health risks, loss of independence, weight gain, lack of personal identity (being absorbed in only your child) missing out on career opportunities money advancement etc being seen as a sexless being - so many fears. Some of them came true but what I am learning is - that it’s not forever - it’s a season . A time to be quiet to reflect to heal to love . To create, to ache to tear it all down and from the fire and ash - build anew. Rid yourself of uyour old sins vices mistakes missed paths wrong action thoughts misunderstanding change perception perspectives identity magnify what you love and want and be magic - apart of this wonderful miracle of life. To the life givers - I salute you . I adore you . You are the true human power of the worlds, creation and love.

Jour six.

Respect / Respect

When I think of the massive amount of challenges and changes I have been through in the past two years in becoming pregnant and having a child - I have an even deeper respect, love and awe for my mother for having birthed and raised 4 children - 2 which were colicky babies and 1 of those being allergic to any milk but soy or goat milk and another child with a birth injury and several newborn/infant surgeries (this child being 200% healthy successful and amazing person today: my little brother who I look up to so happy ending everyone) but wow that’s a lot. In addition to my father’s horrible behavior leading to my parents divorce and later on him having more legal issues. I don’t know how she did it all; how she survived? I have a 9 month old healthy baby boy - who is bright, tenacious, emotional, willful and a risk taker, who loves and adores his mommy and wants her to be holding him or in eyesight at all times. Many of these traits being great attributes for an adult butthey can be exhausting for a hyper vigilant anxious first time mom doing all the childcare on her own with no generational/ family type of help. My mother and sister with two kids live an hour away. All my grandmothers have passed on. My partners mom and only decent grandmother lives 2 hours away. So alas we live in the same state but we might as well be across the country.

I adore my mom and love her and I’m proud of her. She did a lot to help us and care for us all. It’s not Mother’s Day but I hope I will keep revisiting this thought over and over - not just for the holiday. We owe our lives to our mothers and the sacrifices are much bigger than I ever knew until I myself became a mother at the tender age of 39. I love my bouncing babbling baby boy even though he punches me directly in the eye amid his night ravings, ragings, wakings whatever you want to call it. He scratches my face and kicks me in the stomach and steps on my hip bones. He pulls and twists, pinches at my once perfect breasts. Still perfect in a way, now having done something amazing. Birthing and nursing a baby for a year. I am proud of myself and also deeply disappointed as well. I wanted motherhood to be easier for me. For me to have much more instinct and grace. It didn’t seem to come naturally to me. But he’s here and healthy; amazing and happy so it’s all good.

Jour Cinq.

In moment: Breeze / Brise

Today is a moment where I am feeling amazing, like life is so good and beautiful. I just want to take a moment to document it. I am laying in bed with my 9 month old adorable son. It’s noon on a Monday. I just nursed him into a well fought sleep. He does not want to sleep these days. He’s just beginning to take his first steps alone. He grins and takes him hands off the couch as I cheer him along. He giggles and takes a few steps until he crashes to the floor. It’s terrifying and beautiful and enormous. He’s eating regular food whenever he can now. If I have something in my hands - he’s sure it’s his and I’m cruel until I give him a bite or a chance to grab it and stuff it into his mouth as he did this morning with my madeleine cookie. I’m trying to avoid sweets but I’m losing so much weight recently as I struggle to feed him and myself, still nursing on demand and watching him hyper vigilantly. The weather is glorious today . For the past 3 days, our normally hot and humid midwestern land-locked summer weather has subsided to a cool almost ocean breeze of 66 degrees. I adore this weather and it’s one of the reasons why I often dream to live near the sea. I always think of Florida because my family would sometimes take summer vacation there but I could go anywhere with a beach, a breeze and a mojito. As usual, there’s so much I need to do that I’m not doing but for right now I am content to lay here in bed with my sleeping baby and feel the breeze on my skin. I want to improve so much, to be and do more. I wish that I had had a successful wealthy life as you see so much with celebrities and stars of our day plastered all over television commercials, events and social media. America’s obsession with fame and success. But I am happy with my little part of life. The silent invisible life. My beautiful gift of a son which has quite truly been my hardest challenge yet but here we are my little family. We are alive and well. We have a roof over our heads, plenty of food and comforts thanks to my partner and I - and plenty of love. Things will get better. Maybe one day I will be a great success and I will make myself and my children proud. (I hope to have one more baby). Perhaps everyday will be more about progress and learning; not perfection and “success”. Instead striving toward a goal that makes you feel good about yourself and the world. Assessing yourself - your personal successes and failures are important in order to be more focused on your true goals and desires. Always check in and re-evaluate. Are you doing things for the right reasons; to fulfill your dreams goals and desires? To make your family’s lives better, more enriched? I truly hope for success because I want my children to feel abundant and wealthy as well as loved. I would greatly love to improve my mom’s life as she’s worked so hard her whole life with nothing in return. I know she considers her children to be her greatest reward but I would like to do more for her one day. I would love to travel and experience foreign lands, languages, and cultures first hand with my children. Maybe that’s why I’ve had to wait so long to travel - I was meant to go with my children and I was meant to be trilingual. I need to brush up on my Spanish. Adios.

Quatrieme Jour.

Introduction : Bonjour. Bienvenu.

You may be wondering what I am doing here with this blog. It is an attempt for me to participate and experience creativity everyday and also an experiment in discipline and consistency for myself. What’s the objective you ask? Write everyday and post it for one year. I am intending these posts to be just everyday musings and reflections - not anything profound. I want the piece to have a life of its own. Perhaps it will just exist as a sort of digital journal of my internal world or maybe it will transform into a series of stories. I would like to see where and how this unfolds naturally - without putting too much emphasis on structure, outcome, guidelines, goals and expectations. The only goal is to write. Stop by and read me from time to time. Things might get interesting.

Troisieme Jour.

Now is the time to be… / Tranquille

I have had a strange feeling come over me lately. Now is the time to be quiet. This is a very foreign concept to me in many ways. I am an extrovert at heart and someone who is very opinionated. I feel that expressing yourself, all your thoughts and emotions, is an important part of existing. It’s an idea of living fully in your truth. Previously I felt that if I was ever quiet or held my tongue it was for only a few specific reasons. I was quiet out of insecurity and low self esteem, being in a physically unsafe situation, or a professional situation that warranted a certain type of behavior. I have long since held my tongue like I had when I was an insecure child and adolescent or a terrified victim. It represents powerlessness, fear, shame and low self worth to me. But now, in these trying times of early motherhood, as well as a shift in my career, purpose, identity, body - you name it; the meaning of silence has been shifting in my mind too. Almost everything has changed in my life since the birth of my son. So many beautiful things have happened, so much joy and love but there has been a lot of pain, struggle, difficult changes and sad revelations. Just in the last few weeks (maybe months because time goes by so strangle now) inside myself, I have heard this calling: Now is the time to be quiet. Perhaps my inner being, my soul, the universe, God is telling me to be still - to not rush to conclusions. I am often passionate and dramatic. I feel something or think something and immediately express it. I don’t want my son to internalize my painful struggles with motherhood to be his problem or his fault. He is such a handful and so overwhelming to me sometimes. He is exuberant, joyful, curious, aggressive, willful, passionate, dramatic, strong and most importantly - absolutely lovable but also exhausting. Each month of his life - a challenge has been overcome and a new one emerges. Luckily there has not been any serious medical issues but I still have quite challenging days and terrible sleep every night. He is 9 months old. As a first time mother, I thought much of these issues would be over at 6 months. Now I find that notion to be wildly amusing.

I have released the early expectations of motherhood that were causing me so much pain. I stopped comparing myself to social media mommy gurus. I accepted that I am doing the best I can with my limited resources and help. My son is well fed, happy and healthy. Still each day is a challenge- often to care for myself - to eat and bathe. I’ve lost my baby weight plus an additional 20 pounds. I took to meditation a few months ago as well as some online therapy for postpartum depression around the third and fourth month. These things helped - along with journaling. I am slowly coming back to myself and I hear this message. I’m trying to discern exactly what it means. I will probably return to this subject over the next few weeks to examine this. My first instinct is that it means: Be still. I want this time in my life, and for the rest of my life for that matter, to be filled with happy awe and wonder. I want to realign myself, focus on my child and what I truly want in this life during this shift in identity and career for me. Focus and discipline has been an issue in the past for me. I can’t seem to stick to one thing, to anything, for very long. I never seem to achieve a final product or complete a goal. I want my life to be filled with creativity and joy. I want to feel joy again and that is something my son definitely gives me. I want to look at life and experience awe and wonder. Maybe in order for me to feel this - I have to quiet myself even my thoughts for a time. I need to stop distracting myself with my hair trigger emotions, my inner dialogue, and my constant judging of every experience I have. Now is my time to be joyful, to be still, to experience beauty, awe and wonder - to be Quiet - even in the struggle of these early painful and beautiful years.

Deuxieme Jour.

New Beginnings / Commencer

What does the phrase “new beginnings” mean to you? Can it mean returning to yourself? Returning to the self you once were or the self you have been hiding from others - even yourself? It’s hard to know who you truly are. As a woman, as a person - you often feel the weight of everyone else’s opinions, wants, values, and beliefs bearing down on you. You learn, you adapt, you change to sometimes survive in disastrous or tragic circumstances. Sometimes the things you felt, said, and did while you were surviving can feel like the real you emerging when it really was just you trying to cope with the hand you’ve been dealt. How do you know what’s really you ? I don’t have the answers. I’m just wondering out loud. You are formed and modeled by your experiences - good and bad; your joy and your trauma. I believe that you get to choose how to react and how you live your life. I am still peeling off the layers of abuse like a sunburn- or a scab - a part of me that was damaged but still clinging to my body. A part of me that died but is still there, much like a phantom limb. As I recognize it- I reject it. I throw it away. I denounce it, in a way - as no longer being a part of me, no longer necessary. I mourn for things lost but rise again. When I try to recognize triggers I find strange abstractions, reverberations of negative events spilling out into my now. They are folded strangely into some oragami of pain, unrecognizable but known. I call it out to myself when I see it. This is not me or who I would have been without the trauma; the wound. There’s less shame around it these days. I try to shake it off, try to forget - to sink into the abyss of forgotten memories. A place where I’d rather everything be lost. At first I felt like feeling less shame was not taking accountability. I wanted to be accountable, responsible and of course my abuser taught me that I was responsible for ALL negative events. He drilled in my psyche that EVERYTHING was my fault. No wonder he acted that way. It was something I did, said, thought, breathed. I existed and he hated it. I hated it too. Now I know that the reality was that the majority of things were not my fault. I was brainwashed to think so and shame is a part of that. I just wanted to say that it’s not your fault and you can unlearn the negative things you were taught to survive. You are loved and worth it and important and special if no one was has told you that recently or ever. Everyday is a new beginning. Another chance to try to learn good habits and unlearn bad ones and to inch closer to feeling capable of true joy. That’s what I want for myself and what I want for you. I want to truly feel joy and beauty, to return to the awe and wonder of childhood. I want to forgive myself, to break free from shame, and to learn to accept myself. I want all these things for you too and to know that you don’t have to be perfect right now in this moment. Perfectionism has killed so many things in my life. We are here to experience, learn and create. There are no mistakes - just some speed bumps, maybe some wrong turns but you’re still on your path. When you feel heavy or lost - take a deep breath and return to yourself.

Jour premier.