New Beginnings / Commencer
What does the phrase “new beginnings” mean to you? Can it mean returning to yourself? Returning to the self you once were or the self you have been hiding from others - even yourself? It’s hard to know who you truly are. As a woman, as a person - you often feel the weight of everyone else’s opinions, wants, values, and beliefs bearing down on you. You learn, you adapt, you change to sometimes survive in disastrous or tragic circumstances. Sometimes the things you felt, said, and did while you were surviving can feel like the real you emerging when it really was just you trying to cope with the hand you’ve been dealt. How do you know what’s really you ? I don’t have the answers. I’m just wondering out loud. You are formed and modeled by your experiences - good and bad; your joy and your trauma. I believe that you get to choose how to react and how you live your life. I am still peeling off the layers of abuse like a sunburn- or a scab - a part of me that was damaged but still clinging to my body. A part of me that died but is still there, much like a phantom limb. As I recognize it- I reject it. I throw it away. I denounce it, in a way - as no longer being a part of me, no longer necessary. I mourn for things lost but rise again. When I try to recognize triggers I find strange abstractions, reverberations of negative events spilling out into my now. They are folded strangely into some oragami of pain, unrecognizable but known. I call it out to myself when I see it. This is not me or who I would have been without the trauma; the wound. There’s less shame around it these days. I try to shake it off, try to forget - to sink into the abyss of forgotten memories. A place where I’d rather everything be lost. At first I felt like feeling less shame was not taking accountability. I wanted to be accountable, responsible and of course my abuser taught me that I was responsible for ALL negative events. He drilled in my psyche that EVERYTHING was my fault. No wonder he acted that way. It was something I did, said, thought, breathed. I existed and he hated it. I hated it too. Now I know that the reality was that the majority of things were not my fault. I was brainwashed to think so and shame is a part of that. I just wanted to say that it’s not your fault and you can unlearn the negative things you were taught to survive. You are loved and worth it and important and special if no one was has told you that recently or ever. Everyday is a new beginning. Another chance to try to learn good habits and unlearn bad ones and to inch closer to feeling capable of true joy. That’s what I want for myself and what I want for you. I want to truly feel joy and beauty, to return to the awe and wonder of childhood. I want to forgive myself, to break free from shame, and to learn to accept myself. I want all these things for you too and to know that you don’t have to be perfect right now in this moment. Perfectionism has killed so many things in my life. We are here to experience, learn and create. There are no mistakes - just some speed bumps, maybe some wrong turns but you’re still on your path. When you feel heavy or lost - take a deep breath and return to yourself.
Jour premier.
