Now is the time to be… / Tranquille

I have had a strange feeling come over me lately. Now is the time to be quiet. This is a very foreign concept to me in many ways. I am an extrovert at heart and someone who is very opinionated. I feel that expressing yourself, all your thoughts and emotions, is an important part of existing. It’s an idea of living fully in your truth. Previously I felt that if I was ever quiet or held my tongue it was for only a few specific reasons. I was quiet out of insecurity and low self esteem, being in a physically unsafe situation, or a professional situation that warranted a certain type of behavior. I have long since held my tongue like I had when I was an insecure child and adolescent or a terrified victim. It represents powerlessness, fear, shame and low self worth to me. But now, in these trying times of early motherhood, as well as a shift in my career, purpose, identity, body - you name it; the meaning of silence has been shifting in my mind too. Almost everything has changed in my life since the birth of my son. So many beautiful things have happened, so much joy and love but there has been a lot of pain, struggle, difficult changes and sad revelations. Just in the last few weeks (maybe months because time goes by so strangle now) inside myself, I have heard this calling: Now is the time to be quiet. Perhaps my inner being, my soul, the universe, God is telling me to be still - to not rush to conclusions. I am often passionate and dramatic. I feel something or think something and immediately express it. I don’t want my son to internalize my painful struggles with motherhood to be his problem or his fault. He is such a handful and so overwhelming to me sometimes. He is exuberant, joyful, curious, aggressive, willful, passionate, dramatic, strong and most importantly - absolutely lovable but also exhausting. Each month of his life - a challenge has been overcome and a new one emerges. Luckily there has not been any serious medical issues but I still have quite challenging days and terrible sleep every night. He is 9 months old. As a first time mother, I thought much of these issues would be over at 6 months. Now I find that notion to be wildly amusing.

I have released the early expectations of motherhood that were causing me so much pain. I stopped comparing myself to social media mommy gurus. I accepted that I am doing the best I can with my limited resources and help. My son is well fed, happy and healthy. Still each day is a challenge- often to care for myself - to eat and bathe. I’ve lost my baby weight plus an additional 20 pounds. I took to meditation a few months ago as well as some online therapy for postpartum depression around the third and fourth month. These things helped - along with journaling. I am slowly coming back to myself and I hear this message. I’m trying to discern exactly what it means. I will probably return to this subject over the next few weeks to examine this. My first instinct is that it means: Be still. I want this time in my life, and for the rest of my life for that matter, to be filled with happy awe and wonder. I want to realign myself, focus on my child and what I truly want in this life during this shift in identity and career for me. Focus and discipline has been an issue in the past for me. I can’t seem to stick to one thing, to anything, for very long. I never seem to achieve a final product or complete a goal. I want my life to be filled with creativity and joy. I want to feel joy again and that is something my son definitely gives me. I want to look at life and experience awe and wonder. Maybe in order for me to feel this - I have to quiet myself even my thoughts for a time. I need to stop distracting myself with my hair trigger emotions, my inner dialogue, and my constant judging of every experience I have. Now is my time to be joyful, to be still, to experience beauty, awe and wonder - to be Quiet - even in the struggle of these early painful and beautiful years.

Deuxieme Jour.