Showing up for Yourself

Showing up for myself has been one of the hardest challenges in my life. I think it stems from an overall lack of self esteem and belief in myself - that I am worthy of attention, love, success etc. I’ve always been more keen in cultivating others success or helping /talking through other people’s issues. I invest a lot in others and when people don’t reciprocate I am very sad and angry. It was the end of 2022 when I decided that I was gonna no longer invest in other people who are not interested in helping me, investing in me, reciprocating in me. I was really surprised to discover that there really wasn’t a single person in my life that was willing to do much for me - except my partner and surprisingly his stepmom. I really felt abandoned by other people. As result I started to isolate myself. I was really unsure of how others felt about me. It seemed that no one really cared about me in my family. However, what might be more true is that most of my family is often struggling worse than I am. That is more the reality. It motivates myself to make sure that I am healthy and strong in a good place emotionally, physically, mentally, and financially. Otherwise if you are not - you are never in a position to help those you love. I am surprised, as a once self professed misanthrope - how much community matters to me. How much helping those around me deeply matters to me. I think that there are many things that surprise people about me if they knew. I am very outgoing, extroverted, opinionated and often critical of others. It’s simply by personality partly programmed but mostly me. People are surprised to realize that I struggle with low self esteem. That’s because it was a symptom of my environment (narcissistic father) and abusive relationship. It’s not who I truly am but I was programmed to be critical of myself mostly but others, to hate myself to judge myself to judge myself against others and their abilities because I had to be the best “otherwise don’t even try “ (thanks dad) competition comparing fighting to prove your worth, shamed by basic mistakes . All of that and more was learned programmed sometimes beat into me. But what shines through in me - after years of self hatred , suicidal ideation, judgement of others, hatred of others, gossip etc - is that I love life and I love people. Often my criticism is based off of people not recognizing their own value and worth - something that has plagued me my whole life - so I deeply hate to see it in others. Those things that you do to yourself - reflected back to you. I am actually kind and loving and I am feeling that coming back to me now that I have stepped into my season of motherhood. When you become a mother, you see how everyone was once an innocent beautiful child - everyone has a mother that aches for them. How dare anyone hurt another woman’s child? I felt it deeply when I saw photos of the women brutalized on Oct. 7th and paraded around. I was 9 months pregnant. When I saw the women and children destroyed by this incessant need for antisemitism- it spiraling out to take the lives of the most innocent: children. I hated war then when before I saw it as a necessary evil. One must think and understand, to truly understand the ache of the mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, sisters, brothers, children - who just want their children, their mothers, their fathers, siblings back. Those who love war will destroy the earth - when simply releasing hostages will stop the deaths and they instead holding on. I’m not intending to be political nor religious just logical.

I am learning to love myself - to put myself first - otherwise I will not have happiness and it will affect my abilities as a mother as a partner a daughter a sister an aunt. It also sends mixed messages to your children. I am keeping my promises to myself this year. The true beginning of my life - being a mother has changed me. There have been so many darks hours, days, weeks, months - as postpartum has been the hardest days of my life (besides the abuse) but I do believe that it’s the struggle that changes you - tears you down to build you back up. I feel as the Phoenix - having a child rocked me in so many ways- changed my body and my life completely and I am slowly building my way back up - brick by brick and relearning how to do things in this new world. Motherhood is a brave new world - filled with new challenges. As soon as you overcome one, two more emerge but that’s what keeps life interesting. What can you know about yourself if you’ve never been in a fight? (Fight Club is one of my all time favorite movies.) But really, it’s true . Mais vraiment, c’est vrai. If you know you know. Sometimes I wish it wouldn’t have taken me 40 years to discover things but I was dragging my feet. Becoming a mother and a wife was my biggest fear - changes to my body, pain, potential health risks, loss of independence, weight gain, lack of personal identity (being absorbed in only your child) missing out on career opportunities money advancement etc being seen as a sexless being - so many fears. Some of them came true but what I am learning is - that it’s not forever - it’s a season . A time to be quiet to reflect to heal to love . To create, to ache to tear it all down and from the fire and ash - build anew. Rid yourself of uyour old sins vices mistakes missed paths wrong action thoughts misunderstanding change perception perspectives identity magnify what you love and want and be magic - apart of this wonderful miracle of life. To the life givers - I salute you . I adore you . You are the true human power of the worlds, creation and love.

Jour six.