Respect / Respect
When I think of the massive amount of challenges and changes I have been through in the past two years in becoming pregnant and having a child - I have an even deeper respect, love and awe for my mother for having birthed and raised 4 children - 2 which were colicky babies and 1 of those being allergic to any milk but soy or goat milk and another child with a birth injury and several newborn/infant surgeries (this child being 200% healthy successful and amazing person today: my little brother who I look up to so happy ending everyone) but wow that’s a lot. In addition to my father’s horrible behavior leading to my parents divorce and later on him having more legal issues. I don’t know how she did it all; how she survived? I have a 9 month old healthy baby boy - who is bright, tenacious, emotional, willful and a risk taker, who loves and adores his mommy and wants her to be holding him or in eyesight at all times. Many of these traits being great attributes for an adult butthey can be exhausting for a hyper vigilant anxious first time mom doing all the childcare on her own with no generational/ family type of help. My mother and sister with two kids live an hour away. All my grandmothers have passed on. My partners mom and only decent grandmother lives 2 hours away. So alas we live in the same state but we might as well be across the country.
I adore my mom and love her and I’m proud of her. She did a lot to help us and care for us all. It’s not Mother’s Day but I hope I will keep revisiting this thought over and over - not just for the holiday. We owe our lives to our mothers and the sacrifices are much bigger than I ever knew until I myself became a mother at the tender age of 39. I love my bouncing babbling baby boy even though he punches me directly in the eye amid his night ravings, ragings, wakings whatever you want to call it. He scratches my face and kicks me in the stomach and steps on my hip bones. He pulls and twists, pinches at my once perfect breasts. Still perfect in a way, now having done something amazing. Birthing and nursing a baby for a year. I am proud of myself and also deeply disappointed as well. I wanted motherhood to be easier for me. For me to have much more instinct and grace. It didn’t seem to come naturally to me. But he’s here and healthy; amazing and happy so it’s all good.
Jour Cinq.
