Construire / Building yourself back up from despair

A lot of my troubles in life has been not only low self esteem and fear but not being able to recover well from set backs . Sometimes investing too wholeheartedly in an idea, a dream, a person being one way and not accepting reality. I’ve been guilty of being loyal a person or married to an idea and not knowing how to move on; cut my losses. Sunken cost fallacy almost straight up ruined my life. But also not knowing how to adapt, to pivot something bad into something good - along the same path. My life has been missing this alchemy. I often think that I abandon any other methods of making a dream come true besides my initial plan . Right now I am in my time of pivot. Things are not going as planned. The universe has revealed some hard truths to me in this past year. It was served up on a platter or much like a bucket of lemons. The Universe has delivered and said, nonchalantly: “What are you gonna do with it?” And I’ve had this meal many times: Lemons for dinner but something feels different this time. I think I understand now that I have the choice to do something with it. To make it mine . To make the best of it . To see the good in it. To choose how I react. And wonderfully: prepare. I have the time to prepare. I have about 5 -8 years to transform myself and my life into the way I want it to be. The curtain was pulled open. I saw the great and terrible Oz and saw it was just a little man with glasses. Nothing special. Certainly not a god, and definitely not better than me. There is no one here to worship. I realized I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I do not have to be loyal to people who are not to me. I do not have to show up for people who not show up completely for me. I do not have to love a single person more than myself( and my baby). Besides my child, the love for myself is the only true and unconditional love and support I may ever receive. In the future, I want to know myself as the ultimate alchemist. I want to own and deliver the ability to turn every situation every happenstance into a gift from the Universe. I will turn it all right into gold because that’s what I know and believe that I truly deserve. Because I love and value myself and others. Building up myself and my dreams is the most valuable contribution to myself and the world - regardless of how trivial a dream may seem. Loving myself is important. If God has placed a dream in my heart - it is indeed meaningful and worthwhile. I do not need to see the whole picture to understand the purpose. I just need to have faith in the Creator. I am important and valuable. I don’t need another person to show me that. Often times othdt attempts to show love in my life have been horrible failures. Perhaps because it was reflecting the lack of love, acceptance and value I placed in myself. I understand that I don’t owe anyone anything especially what they are not giving me. (It’s a trick to show up 100% for someone just because they are family or because they “say” they love you or claim that they are loyal. At the end of the day you truly never know if they have been or will be loyal. Loyalty does not mean you should sacrifice your standards, your wellness, emotional needs, beliefs etc. if someone is not showing up for you or proving with ACTIONS not just words that they care for you. That’s all you need to know. Loyal or not. If you seemingly have to fight or throw a fit for your basic needs to be considered or even acknowledged. Something is wrong. You shouldn’t be an “Oh yeah. I forgot” or “I didn’t realize or I didn’t know.” That’s lame. It’s no longer an acceptable excuse. Yes, no one is a mind reader but some things are obvious needs. I know when you last ate and how your sleep was etc. but you don’t know when or if I’ve eaten. Instead of “it’s not giving” - I think - It’s not reciprocating.) No one will truly protect, love, and care for me but myself -that’s all there ish. At least until someone comes along and proves me wrong. I could be sad about it for another decade or until I die. Or I could get strong. Build myself and dreams. Follow my heart. Take advantage of the gifts I have here and now. Love myself. Throw everything off the table of my well designed pity party. Love myself wildly. Wildly. Truly. Not sarcastically. Not in spite of. Not in desperation but truly love myself Wildly. Madly. Because I want to, because I adore and cherish myself. Because I see so vividly the beauty in myself and others - that I have no choice but to be lifted up in love for myself and this beautiful universe that the Creator has given, had made. The wonder the awe. I keep coming back to this. Let us love ourselves wildly, passionately, madly . Then see what the Universe has to say about that; the balls in her court now.

Jour Neuf.