Exhaustion / Epuisement
The sleep deprivation is getting to me. Every nap is a fight with my little one. All day I’ve been so moody. I am so frustrated and dead tired. My inner dialogue is terrible to myself. I think of the things I wanted to become in life and how I never really succeeded at them. It wasn’t a lot that I wanted. It just didn’t work out. I wasted a lot of time in self doubt and being terrorized by another person and in general being terrorized by fear and low self esteem. What can I do now ? I don’t know . Love myself and my baby as much and as hard as possible . Forgive myself . Hold him tight and laugh and smile and be happy . Every morning, even though he cries through the night and I feel like I’m having the worst time ever as he wakes up every hour after midnight screaming - he wakes up and looks at me in the morning with the sweetest happiest smile . He is so happy to be alive, to be here, to see me! The worst part of myself says - that won’t last long - he doesn’t know you. How much of a failure you . How you’re really actually a loser. The best part of me is filled with joy to see him smile and I enjoy the moments with him. In the moment he makes me forget all the bad things in the past, all my shortcomings- he’s shinning and glorious and beautiful and golden. I love him and love his joy and wonder and awe. He spent the last twenty minutes before bedtime running around the couch with his wobbly reckless steps giggling screaming laughing playing some game with me - I’m not sure what I was doing but he loved it. He was having the time of his life. We don’t think he’s every laughed so hard . He laughs and his whole body is shaking , his mouth wide and grinning , his little tiny hands curled in joyful excited fists - the ceiling reverberating. The world and the past set right. All things funneling turning tumbling perfectly into the now - swelling inside the laughter of a tiny baby boy. Perhaps everything happened for a reason, the good the bad the ugly the really really bad the hideous the mundane the heartbreakingness of things the tragedies the pain the small victories the beautiful man you once loved and cried because you wanted to pass him by but you couldn’t - so you took the risk and here we are. This. The laughing wobbly joyful goregeous sleep hating little boy. But he is wonder and he is awe. He is delight . Maybe my first in all my life . It’s late and I can’t remember . But his smile his laughter his joy - I’ll never forget.
Jour Huit.
