Isolation / Isolement

I feel so isolated in life right now. My family lives an hour away and unfortunately that might as well be a state away. I never see them unless I make the effort to drive 2 hours that day. It’s summer and it’s hot. My Honda seems to only cool the front seat and my baby still doesn’t really like car rides. I have been missing a sense of community which I felt when I was in a relationship with an indigenous person. Now that relationship was horrible - there’s no refuting that but my experience with the indigenous community was wonderful. That was the worst relationship and probably all around worst decision of my life but I think the beauty of the indigenous community kept me afloat in that situation for a long time. Up until I couldn’t handle the abuse and toxic environment for one more day, one more minute - so I ran. My heart breaks for the loss of that community. Since I’m not indigenous. There were rumors of it in my family but I had a DNA test and it proved to be very minimal. The possibility of being indigenous was not a major or even minor part of my identity - so no wound but more like a hole. It’s very disappointing because I loved that community so much and still do. I find myself watching any show or movie with indigenous people these days - just to get a glimmer of what I felt back then. I’m so happy to see so much more indigenous created shows, movies and creative content. I’m now isolated in the Midwest - a newly stay at home mom with a baby. He’s almost 10 months old and the days are long and hard. He doesn’t sleep well for naps or at night. It’s certainly better than his colic days which lasted for 4 months but it’s still really difficult and I have no help or real relief. It’s 99% me. I know it should have been obvious but I have no time to relax or unwind except for the 4-6 hours he sleeps at night; often in my arms on the couch. I find myself staying up late watching shows when I know I should be sleeping but either the anxiety of the day or my need for connection, community, art, culture and ethnic diversity just spills over in me and I have to watch something. It seems like my only connection to the outside world. My partner works from home and mostly talks about his software engineering projects or weight lifting. I miss working. I miss having even my work friends which I didn’t even feel the greatest connection to. I am a very social person so yes my son is an absolute joy. All day I annoyingly and randomly remark out loud about how cute, beautiful or adorable he is. But of course people are multifaceted so there are some parts of me that are unfulfilled. I love connecting with other people. I love sharing experiences with one another, learning, expressing, growing and evolving as people. My partner reminds me that this is just a short season in my life. Perhaps only 5 years where I will be in this situation. I have been paying attention to the beautiful moments. I am deeply enjoying cuddling and holding my son, breastfeeding and playing peekaboo, watching him in wonder as he is taking his first steps. I love his cute laughs and smiles, his baby talks, his looks of surprise, wonder and joy; even his labored breathing as he struggles to find me under a peekaboo blanket. Yes even his breathing makes me laugh, makes me feel joy. I am overall very happy. There are just moments where I deeply feel the isolation and the emptiness of our modern lives. We used to live in communities, in sometimes almost communal spaces where every day you cooked, cleaned, hunted, fished, gardened with your immediate and extended family, your elders, your ancestors, your neighbors, your friends. Pow Wows gave me that feeling. I remember thinking this is real life. I went to my first ever Pow Wow when I was 20 years old. I couldn’t put my finger on it then but it was amazing - for so many reasons: the dancing, the music, the regalia, the adorable babies, fry bread, meat pies, charburgers and Dr.Pepper but mostly the community. Mostly a place to be free as an indigenous person and I, as a minority, where the sort of oppressive insistence on white and Western European standards and beliefs would slowly slip away as each day of the Pow Wow unfolded. And sadly, the ache of the days after the Pow Wow as you sunk back into a mostly whitewashed and modern world. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being white . But when you’re clearly visibly not white - you don’t fit in and feeling like an other all the time in your thoughts, actions, beliefs can be challenging and exhausting. The fatigue of navigating a white world when you are not white. That’s all. I loved my Pow Wow days and lived for them each year. I wish I would have participated in more things when I was there but I always felt delicate about being “married” in and not of the blood. I never wanted to overstep. I haven’t been to a Pow Wow in 7 years and that makes me sad. Maybe one day I’ll find my way back to one. Maybe one day I’ll find a community of my own and this isolation will die in me for good.

Jour Ounze.