After the Trauma

I feel like my brain just jumps around all over the place. I can’t focus. Even before the baby, I couldn’t just sit down and read. Or when I tried to I would find that I read a few pages while my mind had wondered off. I had to first figure out where I thought I had left off and try again. I would just zone out if I wasn’t working or studying something that was really important to me (usually language or art related). Even when topics are interesting I have trouble focusing. I feel like the trauma broke my mind. It feels like I am less intelligent than before and more lazy. I mispronounce things. I just to have a large vast vocabulary. I think it feels like maybe what having ADHD feels like. But I’m guessing if I took medication for that it would not work because it’s not a chemical issue. It’s like parts of my brain, parts of my executive function shut down to survive. Now that I’m no longer facing a threat - I can re-activate it. I’m getting more tired and tired of this dance. Of pretending I’m okay. That I’m not permanently damaged by the past. Like one day I’ll wake up and be able to accomplish the things I want to. And yet I have to believe that. Otherwise I can’t go on.