Pride

I’m proud of myself for keeping with my goal to declutter or tidy up an area everyday. I see it as a way to prepare. A physical representation of an act of preparation. I believe I have some beautiful gifts just waiting on the other side of this preparation. I am excited to see what the Universe, what the Creator will give me as I create space for new things in my life. I am releasing all things that I cling to as I renounce the sense of scarcity I have lived in almost all my life. There is enough. I will not go without. I am safe. God has provided for me. Any need I shall have will be answered. I don’t need to hoard things just in case this happens or that happens. Everything is good. I have plenty. My cup is overflowing actually and in the past I could not see it or feel it because scarcity had such a hold on me. I am well fed and well clothed. I live with all the amenities of modern American life. I have more than plenty. I am abundant. I am abundance. I am wealthy. Wealthy people don’t hold on to every last thing. I will stop holding onto the crumbs. This reminds me of a Rumi quote:

“You are the honored guest, Do not weep like a beggar for a piece of the world.”

I have quite a bit of outward confidence which I attribute to just the fact that I am an extrovert. I’m genuinely interested and fascinated in other people and connection. Connection that is more important than my insecurities. A craving for connection that lies beyond the modern need for competition and critical comparisons. However, beyond the facade of my social confidence, within myself lies a deep feeling of inadequacy, a lack of self acceptance and compassion, a lack of pride and love in myself. I could wax on about the reasons why but really does that matter ? The result is the result. A damaged sense of self that I previously didn’t know or wouldn’t acknowledge existed. But it does exist. Not acknowledging something out of shame or desperation doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It’s hard to feel proud of myself . That Rumi quote makes me realize the ways in my life that I am acting like a beggar. I am acting as though I am impoverished when I am not because it’s the reflection of a poverty of love, most notably self love. These past few years I have been on a journey to demand love for myself - mostly from myself but from others in the form of reciprocal relationships. I no longer feed into or build relationships with those who do not match my effort. I do not care about their abilities or their backstory - their why’s. It’s simply math. If you do not match me - I won’t cut you off like you are toxic - I just will not pour my cup into you. I am saving my cup for me. In a life where not being abused feels like love - this is a radical statement. I am saving my cup for me. Not being abused does not equal love or respect. It could be friendship. It could simply be tolerance. It could still be a form or a way for someone to use you or manipulate because people like me are easier to impress in a way. Just basic human treatment and kindness may seem like love to me. Just like a lack of emotional availability or emotional expression may seem like mysterious and charming even to someone who is highly expressive. It’s a shame that the damage done to me in the first 30 years of my life can continue to hurt me in my skewed reality and in some ways nativity. My moral goodness always seemed to blind me from others actions and true intentions. I’ve often said out loud as an adult: “But why would they lie? “. It’s absurd that I cannot understand that this is just what humans do. I have to remind myself of this daily. Back to the beautiful words :

“You are the honored guest, Do not weep like a beggar for a piece of the world.”

I am preparing my space for the goodness that the Creator has waiting for me. I know it will surprise and delight me. I am ready for my blessings. I am ready to love myself. I want to walk in the beauty way. I recently heard the most amazing Navajo prayer. Which I think I will share often here in little parts because it is the most beautiful thing I have heard in quite some time of not ever. It’s called “Walking in Beauty” and it’s the closing prayer of the Navajo way blessing ceremony. It’s very long so I won’t share the whole thing unless I do a post about it. I am so inspired by this prayer and hope to say it often to myself. I said it yesterday as I took a walk with my son but the beginning goes like this:

“In beauty I walk

With beauty before me I walk

With beauty behind me I walk

With beauty above me I walk

With beauty around me I walk

It has become beauty again …”

Navajo culture is so beautiful, poetic and profound. The blessing is exquisite to me. I am decluttering my space because I want to live the Beauty Way, to love myself, to honor my life, to have pride in myself. I am not the beggar. I am the honored guest and I am living in a beautiful way - in a beautiful world. I return to the beauty.

Nombre trente-cinq / # 35