Becoming a Mother / Identity Shift

I didn’t realize how difficult the transition to motherhood would be for me. I waited very long in life to have a child. I thought it would take me a while to get pregnant but luckily it only took a month of actual effort. I was so surprised that it threw me for a loop. I felt in a way unprepared. Even in my late age. I had read and heard so much information about difficulties conceiving I assumed I would face this. Then I had read and heard so much of difficulties during pregnancy for older women. The dreaded Geriatric pregnancy: Advanced material age. High blood pressure. I was already 10-15 lbs overweight when I got pregnant. My pregnancy went very smoothly. I had lower blood pressure than usual. I felt calmer than usual. I had the inconvenience of carpal tunnel for the last 10 weeks of pregnancy. That was the worst of it. The trouble came for me in delivery. I had no family support during the process of childbirth. The idea of giving birth had always been terrifying to me. It definitely was. My partner for certain circumstances was also absent for the majority of my labor experience. It started at 6 am and I made it to the hospital maybe around noon. I was like half a centimeter dilated but started to be in a lot of pain and I had some fluid leakage. I resisted the epidural as I labored by myself for hours - trying to rest because my dilation was only 2 cm. By 9 pm I finally took the epidural. It took forever to put in. I was shaking and convulsing soon after. I was delirious because I was in so much pain as they kept turning me from side to side because of my and the baby’s distress. I was no more dilated than before. At this point the surgeon called for a c-section due to the distress of the baby and my failure to progress through labor. It was a horrifying and sad experience for me. Luckily, the baby and I turned out great and all I have is a scar. I really wish I would have gotten a doula for my labor. I know my life and I’ve never had much support. I should have just paid $1500 to have someone be there for me. Next time I hope I will.

My postpartum was even worse because of the length of time it takes the heal from surgery and adjust to a new baby. I also chose to exclusively breastfeed. Paired with the baby’s colic, aversion to sleep and very limited help except for the 5 weeks my partner did night shift with the baby for 6 hours (interrupted by breastfeeding sessions after we decided to ditch formula which gave the baby thrush). Even though it was interrupted rest I was happy for the reprieve for 5 weeks. That’s all the help I got. Again I hope that I can afford to pay for an after birth doula for my next baby. I did not get any help from my mother or his mother because we live an hour to 2.5 hours away from them respectively. We may be in the same city when we have the second child if my partner is in graduate school. Even though it is farther from my own mother. I hope that this happens because I will be glad for the help.

Motherhood as an identify shift. Your purpose is no longer to work. If you are a SAHM it’s an even more dramatic shift. You no longer have an income. You are no longer a consumer nor a person who does much for self. Everything is about the baby. It’s an internal drive. Something happens in you . A change and everything is about this new life. You don’t have to make any effort in that shift. It just happens and for most of us you instantly deeply love your child. But you can get sort of lost in this and there’s a sort of erasure of self which at times you recognize. You may miss some moments in your past when you only had to worry about yourself. I think mainly out of sheer exhaustion. Being a mother or the sole caregiver is a job that never ends . Your love for them never ends and it can lead you into an area of what I call “failure to thrive” - where you are not taking care of your basic needs. You’ve kind of hit a brIck wall. It’s an intense burnout and you can’t meet both your needs and the babies, so rightfully the baby’s needs win. This is when mothers need help if it’s available. In my case it was not. It’s taken 10 months for me and the baby to get to a place where I can start providing some self care. It’s a shame. I truly hope my next postpartum is better.

If you are exclusively breastfeeding a lot of motherhood feels like hibernation. A breastfed baby eats more often. I would lay contorted in stage positions for hours just so he could sleep. It was eat, sleep, eat, sleep eat, sleep and constant crying because of his colic. I never went anywhere. I still never go anywhere. I felt I couldn’t take care of myself because I was afraid to leave the baby for one second. When I get to talk to anyone besides my baby and my husband it feels like a night on the town.

I wonder now if this is how people felt during covid. I worked in healthcare (pharmaceutical) and worked the entire epidemic. Almost all my friends and family worked in the same industry, some the same company so my life remained 90% the same. Motherhood has been isolating. I fully intended to return to work part time after 3 months off but my baby, my partner, and myself could not tolerate it. My child had anorexia as he hates to eat from a bottle. He would a little bit but he was eating half the amount of bottles he needed. Maybe he could have gotten used to it but it was clear that my partner was struggling with him. I also really missed my baby. Pumping was not as fruitful as I wanted it to be. I wanted to be one of those Instagram mothers who displayed a freezer full of milk but I only seemed to ever make just enough and no more.

One thing I didn’t anticipate is how much I hate having pets now that I have a baby. My partner had a cat when I met him and we got a dog a week before I found out I was pregnant. Now all they are to me are germs on four legs. The dog constantly hovers around me and the baby especially when we are eating . My baby since he could walk - absolutely hates the high chair and wants to walk around and explore while eating. It’s very frustrating already and the dog on top of it is a true nightmare to me. I’m not an animal lover. My family did not have pets growing up. I don’t even recall us asking for them. My dad disliked dogs and detested cats. I understand now. Maybe it’s just an ethnic thing, a cultural thing but now I get it. I do not like the animals . As a mother I just find them to be filthy now. The pets are just always a problem to me. I can never leave if my partner goes to the office because the dog freaks out and destroys things usually baby related. If we go out of town, we either have to have someone in our home to watch them, leave them with family , or board them for money. Those are just a few issues. Cat throw up is horrible. They poop inside the house in their boxes but still. I don’t know . It’s just disgusting. I don’t want anymore pets. I hope the kids don’t begs us for another animal. I could maybe tolerate one more dog after the last baby is kindergarten age and not the put-everything-in-their-mouth age which I don’t know how long that lasts . Either way - my point is - being a parent changes you in ways that you can’t predict. There are things I passionately dislike now which I won’t list - that either only slightly bothered me or I never even noticed before. Hopefully my hyper vigilance on germs will go away when the children are older but it’s very disturbing to me. My anxiety is through the roof all the time for so many reasons. I can’t wait for this feeling to pass.

Nombre quarante-deux / # 42