Strange Behavior

I find myself holding onto nice items to save for when life is better. I spent my 20’s in such a horrible situation. I was always packed with a getting away suitcase full of things I couldn’t leave behind. Just hoping that one day I would run. Thankfully I did. I had to leave many many things behind but I saved a few things. Living this way cultivated some really negative thought patterns, feelings and actions around items. It ultimately fueled my shopping addiction- me trying to replace the things I lost and left behind. The things that were eventually destroyed in a fire. Even the items that I secretly shipped back home ended up being destroyed in my mother’s leaky water damaged basement. Almost everything I was so worried about losing or getting destroyed ended up being destroyed anyways either at the hand of my abuser or my bad luck. The things you fear - if you feed them - will grow into giants that will destroy you anyways. I have such an issue with anxiety. I thought I had it under control but motherhood has stirred it back up in me. I am praying that it is mostly hormonal since I am still breastfeeding. Once I ween my baby I hope to return to having some more control over my anxiety. Thankfully I was very calm during my pregnancy. More calm than I was before which was unexpected and a true blessing.

I am making many changes in my life. I am using this period of motherhood to reevaluate myself and my life. I want to have the best environment possible for my son and be in the best place mentally, emotionally, physically, financially etc. for him. I am no longer saving the “good stuff” for later - for when life is good aka when life is safe. Because life is good! I have an amazing life and I bet I would see that my life is so much closer to my dream life if I would walk each day knowing this. Life is good and I don’t have to wait to wear that dress or that jewelry, to use that handbag or make up or bust out the fine china. Today is as good of a day as any. Today is beautiful. Today is a celebration, a blessing, a gift. Life is good now and I’m not waiting until tomorrow to appreciate the awe and wonder that is all around me. I see the beauty before me. I see the beauty in me. I see my beautiful blessings and miracles in the smile of my son. Today is a good day. I’m holding nothing back.